After the marathon of weddings (I was in two weddings in 6 days), I woke up early for Jude's memorial this last Sunday.
It was a perfect day. The weather was sunny, and our family's followed our request to be there at 9:00am sharp. Jude's life was short so it was fitting to have his memorial be short. My mother is law read a beautiful letter she wrote to him-one thing that stood out to it was she pointed out to Jude that if it was for Darren and I and our love, he would never have existed and would have never had this beautiful life he has in heaven. We gave him that because of our love-I liked it. Then my mom shared and talked about hope.
Then I pulled the blanket that I first held Jude in out of my purse and put his box of ashes on it-I held him for the first time and the last time in that blanket. I thanked Jude for teaching me about empathy. Before losing him and his sister I felt "bad" for people when they had tough news or a loss, but because of actually getting the pain of death and loss I know FEEL pain for people when they lose someone or get a bad diagnosis. I cry for them. He has made me more emphatic.
I thanked Jude for teaching me that stupid cliché phrases like "It will all work out" "It wasn't meant to be" "God has a plan" "Keep trying it will happen" "Relax" "why don't you adopt?" etc DO NOT HELP PEOPLE suffering. They just don't. I now know to look someone in the eyes-to really see them- and to be silent or to acknowledge-this is really really crappy and I'm so sorry-and mean it.
Lastly, Jude taught me about my faith. I've always been a Christian, but it's easy to be a Christian when your life is good. When sorrow pours down on you and you hit the cement at 10593284032 miles per hour and your prayers go unanswered and you deliver a stillborn and then another stillborn within 20 days?? That makes you question if your faith is real. Do I still believe in His goodness? Do I still believe in a loving God? After ALL the loss and pain and anger and horrific sorrow of losing Jude and Brinly, I still answer yes.
Darren then thanked our family for the support they gave us in the hospital and then my Dad prayed for us. I don't think there was a dry eye. My family then walked to the base of Multnomah Falls for a family picture and a surprise I will blog about later.In the meantime, Darren and I walked down to a beautiful stream. "Bye baby boy," I whispered. I pulled him out, that small bag of ashes and released him into the stream. I thought I would be afraid. I was not. I saved a tiny pinch of the ashes for a special tree that was given to me in their honor. I love him, but I truly let him go.
The memorial of course brought up all kinds of sad emotions that had been buried for so long. My love, my son. I had so much hope you would make it. But it was also healing. And now we press on and hope for our rainbow.
I'm glad you felt at peace and said goodbye to your babies.
ReplyDeleteAnd, oh, how I hope that rainbow has something to do with the surprise!!
It sounds beautiful. I'm glad you got the chance to say goodbye, and to share this with your family. Maybe now Jude can meet A & C in the ocean and they can play.
ReplyDeleteSounds beautiful...<3 my prayers are with you guys always...
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful memorial! It's amazing how much your precious baby has taught you in such a short amount of time.
ReplyDelete{HUGS}
ReplyDeleteHugs for you - sounds like a beautiful memorial!
ReplyDeleteSending you hugs and his memorial sounds absolutely beautiful and breathtaking.
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It sounds like a really beautiful service, Holly. I'm glad you were able to do something tangible and permanent and a chance to say goodbye. I'm sure it was an important day for your whole family. Hugs to you, sweet lady!
ReplyDeleteThis is so precious and beautiful Holly! I'm so glad you were able to do this surrounded by your family!!! Can't wait to hear what the surprise is!!! ;)
ReplyDeleteI hope for your rainbow too, Holly. With every fiber of my being. Thank you for sharing your babies' beautiful memorial with us.
ReplyDeleteThough you don't know me, I've been following your story for a very long time. As usual, my eyes filled with sadness while reading this post, but the memorial sounded perfect and beautiful and like it was exactly what you needed. Your strength and admiration for God given the tough road you've endured is truly so incredibly inspiring. I think about you guys often and pray that your sweet little rainbow is in the near, near future. Hugs!!
ReplyDeleteSounds like a beautiful day. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. I don't comment often but always read your posts and pray for you and your family after each one. Thank you for sharing your life with us!
ReplyDeleteOh Holly, this is so beautiful. There is beauty is ashes and hope to come. You have grown up into an amazing woman. I was looking at photos of you when I lived with your extended family. The innocense that was in your eyes. You always were so kind and loving toward me. I still remember that laugh and gorgeous smile. Now you have so much depth. Empathy is something I think that a lot of us do not completely understand. It sounds like you have grasped it with both hands. The Lord will use that empathy to nurture and love those people he puts in your path. I was thinking this morning about Jesus. He has perfect empathy for us because of what he suffered. You have suffered. May this time of suffering turn to joy and gladness. I look forward to hearing about the surprise. Sending hope your way that you will hold another baby in your arms, a strong healthy baby. May you have the opportunity to have them next to you, face to face, and breath in their tiny breath into your body as they breath on you.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like the most lovely day and truly beautiful memorial that you could have done for your son. I'm hoping and praying for that rainbow for you every single day. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWhat a lovely service for your baby boy. Praying for a rainbow miracle for you soon.
ReplyDeleteThis is beautiful and heartbreaking. I visit my babies' place of rest every year around their birthday and although it's tough, it makes me feel close to them. I'm so glad you were able to do this for your son and yourself.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea that although your children didn't get to spend much time (if any) in your arms, you gave them life which means they now have the rest of their lives in heaven. Just lovely. Thank you.
Sounds like such a beautiful memorial. I'm at a loss for knowing what to say other than this was a beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteSending you love and hugs. It sounds like it was a beautiful memorial for baby Jude.
ReplyDeleteWhat a perfect way to honour your boy.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like the perfect way to honor your son. I'm inspired by what you have done. We still have yet to have a memorial for our daughter, L, because we haven't figured out how to honor her yet. What you did sounds lovely and I love that you mention all the things he taught you. Thanks for sharing.
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