I'm lost in between the days. Yes, I am a bereaved mother, and yes, I am a mother.
I have had four losses, an empty sack and 3 additional heartbeats inside my body grow to 9 weeks, 18 weeks, and 21 weeks that are no longer here with me. I have seen the evidence myself. 10 toes, 10 fingers. Perfect and gorgeous beauty-the products of a loving mommy and daddy, eager parents who cannot wait to bring the world to their children. I have felt my daughter kick. I have held my son. He laid on my chest, forever asleep, moments after his own heartbeat stopped due to my body failing him and going into labor too soon for him to survive outside the womb. I am the mom of Brinly and Jude, they are real.
I refuse to remove my necklace with the initial of each 4 lost loves. I refuse to stop looking at my pictures of Jude after he was born. When people ask if I have children I often say "no" to avoid the awkward silence that follows-but it's not worth the guilt I instantly feel for betraying the truth and betraying their existence. "Yes, but they died at birth. Twins."
I will not attend church this Sunday. Church is for the mothers. They honor them and have them stand and give them flowers. They ask all moms to stand. I will feel like an imposter if I stand (she doesn't have kids?) but a traitor if I don't (Jude and Brinly's name woven on my finger on my ring). It's easiest to stay at home, to think about them and what they would have been. I'm convinced Jude would have been like me-more serious, responsible, hardworking and driven, bound by rules and goals while Brinly would have been like her dad-free-spirited, a dreamer, adventurous, friendly and wise.
Although I choose to spend Mother's Day quietly, alone with Darren, I think of my own strong mom. All the while my own mom had to stand right next to her own baby and watch me drown. She had no rope. She had no lifeboat. All she could do was helplessly watch her own daughter walk through the darkest of terrors helplessly. If I put myself in my mom's shoes, I too would hate that. To watch my own daughter who I raised and I loved losing her children in slow-motion, one after the other in a cold, sterile hospital room -I would melt down.
My own mom stood next to me when they broke Jude's water. She heard it come out too. My own mom held my son more than I did. Loving him, loving me. My own mom looked at both twins, took pictures of them, and talks about them as members of our family. They say having a child is like having your own heart walk outside your body, I can only imagine how my mom's heart was those cruel days as I drowned. I never want to lose another child again and I never want to watch my children go through the loss of their own children. Nobody wants this.
Lastly, I want to wish you all a Happy Mother's Day. I know so many amazing mom's in my life. I know so many amazing women who follow the blog and have made it through the infertility battle to motherhood. But I also know so many women who are still in the "trenches" and still fighting for their families, 2, 3,8 years later-you women are moms as well. You have been in love with your unborn child since day 1 of ttc and that love is real. When I was pregnant with the triplets I bought a children's book for them called "My Love Will Find You." Our. Love. Will. Find. Them. Too.I leave you with 2 great links. 1 is called "World's Best Mom " and it's written by a husband of a mom who just lost her child as well. The 2nd, is a video I've been saving to share, that honors all moms on Mother's Day.
http://mattwessel.wordpress.com/2014/04/19/worlds-best-mom/
Video for ALL mothers
http://carlymarieprojectheal.com/2012/05/international-bereaved-mothers-day.html
I want to thank you for continually sharing Jude and Brinly's story. It is such a great way to honor and remember them and to remember that you ARE a mother.
ReplyDeleteSo much love to you. This week is so hard. Thinking of you and all your babies.
ReplyDeleteI send you love.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing these posts, and for your words. They are so incredibly powerful.
ReplyDeleteSending love your way this weekend and always.
I'm so sorry. Still praying for you and Darren, remembering Brinly and Jude today and especially on Mother's Day.
ReplyDeleteAlways praying for you all. This mother's day I will definitely be thinking of you and all four of your babies.
ReplyDeleteI completely relate. I feel like I'm betraying the memory of my unborn child by saying I'm not a mom. I'd waited 18 years for my little miracle. I feel robbed by the loss even though I can still feel the joy of being pregnant. Does that even make sense? I still dream of what she'd be like today, how she'd grow up, who she'd be bff's with - all those wonderful life things. Happy Mother's day from one mom to another, even though we don't have the evidence, our angels I believe must be friends. We were due the same date, what can I say, my imagination gets the best of me. ;-)
ReplyDeleteA related blog post about Mother's Day at church: http://www.messymiddle.com/2012/05/10/an-open-letter-to-pastors-a-non-mom-speaks-about-mothers-day/
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers to you this Mother's Day and always.
ReplyDeleteOh Holly, I wish I could erase Mother's Day for you while at the same time I wish I could honor you in front of your church's congregation. What a cruel dichotomy… to wish the pain the day brings away while wanting to honor your precious children. If your sweet babies could, they would shower you with flowers and cards, jewelry and spa days on Sunday, but since they can't, I hope you feel the love… the love of your babies, of your friends, of your own mom… you are dearly loved this Mother's Day, Holly, and you are not forgotten.
ReplyDeleteSending you a hug.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you Holly. hugs xoxo
ReplyDeleteI could have written this...and I may have in the past. You have a mother's love etched in every word. You are a wonderful mommy to your babies. I like to think our children are playing together in a special place and will be thinking of us too this Sunday.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. Remembering sweet Jude & Brinly. xoxo
ReplyDeleteYou're right. You are a mother. I wish we would be recognized on days like tomorrow. I wish people understood how painful this distinction, this lack of acknowledgement of our children's all too short lives is for us.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
Though I know this Mother's Day is not the day of celebration you'd hoped for, this day IS just as much for you as any other mother. You are a mama, Holly. And just because your sweet babies can't be with you tomorrow as visual evidence of this, doesn't make you any less of a mother. I'm glad you are doing what feels best for you tomorrow - staying at home sounds peaceful and calm. I hope that you feel the presence of your angel babies with you tomorrow - one day you will see them again, sweet girl. I know they will be so excited to see their mama when that day comes. Until then, Jesus will have them on his lap. Prayers and hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteHolly, you are a beautiful strong woman of God. Don't let the devil lie to you. You ARE a Mother, and you deserve to celebrate today. You have gone through so much and just because your babies have gone up to be with Jesus, it doesn't make you any less of a mother. You have gone through so much, no one would question you if you decided to go and stand with all the other mothers at church. So however you decide to spend today, Happy Mother's day!
ReplyDeleteYou were the first person on my mind this morning when I woke up. Many prayers today, Holly.
ReplyDelete