Tired Already

April 24, 2014

As most know, March was the official month I was allowed to "try" again, although it was encouraged to wait 6th months instead of 3.  After 3 years of ttc, I wasn't going to wait 3 more months.  HOWEVER, I was/still am not ready to jump back into IVF/FET.  I still get sweaty going to the doctor to have my pulse taken-too many memories from the last IVF and how it all hit the fan.  Daily injections, the HUGE decision to transfer 1 or 2, the cost, the emotions, the fear-it's not time for that just yet. On top of those fears, I'm also scared of what will happens if it fails.  Maybe in summer or fall I will have the courage to go that route if nothing else happens naturally.

When Darren and I broke up in college (this story will connect, stay with me), I all the sudden became so aware of my singleness and men around me.  I was almost shocked at how quickly that "lonely" feeling jumped back in that had been satisfied for so long.  The same phenomena is happening to me with fertility meds.  Since May 2013 I was prepping to be pregnant with J and B and then pregnant with them through Oct/Nov.  I thought this deep yearning and month after month of meds and trying were finally done.  But once March rolled around I suddenly became so aware of how alone I was without them and forgot how rough the medication land is since I had focused all my energy and love on the humans growing inside me.

To try to get myself to ovulate the last 2 months I've been taking femara.  I have to take the max dose 7.5mg a day (3 pills) cycle days 3-7.  And while yes, it does force me to ovulate, (key word force), I'm already sick of it.  Medicated cycles are so so so intense.  Hot flashes, headaches, and cramps almost the entire time and then followed by awful periods.  Heck! So may women would love NOT to have a monthly period and here I am killing myself to have a chance.  (Side note: I am getting nervous about the "killing" part.  Many doctors don't like you to stimulate your ovaries more than 6 times in a lifetime.  If you count the 2 fresh IVFs, the 8 failed IUIs, the months of taking meds prior trying to ovulate, and then these last 2 months of femara, I might be dead by the ripe age of 31).

Darren's recent sperm analysis has been off the chart amazing compared to what they were years ago BUT his mophology (shape) is abnormal.  96% to be exact are not normal (anything 15% or greater is supposed to be good, not 4%).  No matter how high his counts this doesn't fix the fact that only 4% actually could possibly penetrate the egg.  Then, you think about my eggs.  I have a done and all my labs are normal.  My eggs are plenitful and several are healthy but several probably are not.  Take my 2 IVFs for example.  The first IVF they retrieved 24 eggs.  Like 19 fertilized but only 6 survived to day 5 and none of those (2 are still frozen from cycle #1) turned into babies.  Then, IVF #2, we get 19 eggs and 9 turn into awesome blasts and out of the 3 we transferred, 2 grew into Jude and Brinly.  All this to say that if femera makes me ovulate ONE a month, the odd of that egg being one of the good ones is less than 50/50 and then the 4% morphology thing? Sigh.  I know, I know.  All the Christians are saying "God is bigger than that!"  I 100% agree that He could do anything if He wants to.  But since we don't have a ton of peace of not using advanced meds or never returning to IVF, I don't think that is the route for us in particular.

With that said, I do feel like the perfectly timed intercourse (cute, I know) that has taken place the last 2 months has been fairly useless.  I'm on cycle day 27 today, 11 days past ovulation, and got a negative test, again.  You would think by now that these wouldn't sting the way they use to. 

Infertility has been reigning and ruling in my life for over 3 years.  I won't work out at a certain point in each cycle JUST in case I dislodge the miraculous (non existant) embryo.  DE-Caf is my main order at Starbucks.  No hot tubs.  No baths after ovulation.  No sex after ovulation.  All these stupid rules I'm following that don't guarantee a darn thing.  My younger sister Heidi just announced her 2nd pregnancy about a week ago.  She didn't know when she ovulated and ran a 1/2 marathon before knowing she was pregnant while enjoying her daily caffeinated beverage.  As mentioned, this is her 2nd pregnancy and she didn't tip toe around all these extreme rules.  I'm tired.

So now what?  I want to start running again.  I want the white chocolate mocha.  I want to hold my baby in my arms more than anything I could ever ever desire.  I need a break from femara and ovulation predictor kits and tempting and tons of "maybe it will help" rules.  I need a break from timed intercourse and egg white mucus and the intense feelings of hope and despair with every single month.  Add in the side effects of femara it's not pretty-all to try for that one egg with those abnormal sperm.  When fertile people say "life is such a miracle" I want to yell "NO @#%#@%@ (insert a mild bad word here)!"

Anyway, all this to say, this next month I will not be taking femara.  We literally have not taken any type of break since March 2011.  Not a single month.  And while I'm not ready to say "official break" I'm ready to say I need an official break from medicine.  I must likely will ovulate at a random time, very late.  Please don't be that annoying person smirking, desperately wanting to share the story of your friend's sister's cousin's aunt who finally took an official break and then like that (read next part in super perky tone) just got pregnant (please notice eye roll).  Of course it could happen, and of course, we would love that, but in all reality...IVF might be our best bet.