When I was a rookie in the infertility world every now and then I would come across the term "rainbow" baby. To be perfectly honest (and show my non-smartness), I assumed it meant a baby born to a gay/lesbian couple. Obviously this group seeks some type of fertility assistance so I just figured it was a "rainbow" baby. I was very very wrong.
The term stems from the loss of a baby before. Here is the definition:
I've been too deep in grief to really even think about this concept but the reason I bring it up is last weekend on our drive up to the Puget Sound in Seattle I saw 2 rainbows. Despite my hurt from God's prolonged silence, my heart couldn't help but remember where the rainbow originally came from. I couldn't stop starting at it. It was stormy out, but there was this beauty among it. It again reminded me (as almost everything does) of this unrelenting desire to catch my rainbow.
The reality is, there are no 100% guarantees. For those that have been following my story, Jude and Brinly were supposed to be my rainbow babies. I had an early miscarriage in 2012 and then miscarried one of the triplets at 9 weeks.
I recently met with a counselor at my clinic and she pointed out that my hope for the future is not a "false hope." She reminded me that I have been pregnant and that the doctors all think that a biological child is attainable-that I have been on a string of very bad luck. I am not aimlessly chasing a non-existent rainbow (even though there are no for-sure promises I will catch it) this was a good reminder. Seeing the rainbow in the sky gave me that wave of hope that I hate/love so much. However, because of my track history the hope is always mixed with extreme fear that will never fully disappear until I hear and hold a child screaming/crying for the first time.
In other news, yesterday I watched my nephew, Ryker, aka the cutest human being alive, for an hour after work. I had to run to the mall to pick up movie tickets so I towed the little 18 month kido with me. My sister dresses him really cute (backward hat tops the outfit) and he looks like he could be mine. Heidi and I have been asked several times if we are twins. Ryky has our nose. Anyway, I carried him into the mall to get the tickets. I was totally a fake mom. It was so strange. In the 7 minutes I was there, I made eye contact with at least 5 other mom's with kids around his age. In their adoring smile I got the message "your baby is so cute." In their kind glances, they were connecting with me. I was in the mom club and had evidence to prove it. I felt like a fraud. "I'm his aunt" I almost felt obligated to tell them. But I didn't. Instead, I enjoyed the time with my sweet nephew. I took him to the pet store to look at the puppies and mice (he is more a of a kitty
It's normal for strangers to assume he is my child-awhile back the cashier at Target convinced me to get a red-card because I had a "baby." I love him and he is obviously genetically related to me-but he reminds me that I want my own so so bad. I am not his mom, I am his aunt. All this to say it was strange feeling part of a club that I am not of. Children that died at birth do not get you into the MOPs group at church or the corner coffee sip and play.
I'm waiting for my rainbow too.
ReplyDeleteI live in the Seattle area and we do get a lot of rainbows. I think of my twins every time I see one. Especially a double rainbow. It makes me smile to think of them as this beautiful symbol. Yes, it more reflects my own rainbow baby in my arms, but to me it ties all my kids together.
ReplyDeleteI had a weekend around mother's day a few years ago where I watched my nephew and felt the same longing you do. It was weird to see everyone react as if he were mine. It reaffirmed my drive to create my own child. Hold strong.
I think that if/when I get my rainbow baby the rainbow will even be more fun/joyous to see. A reminder of my sweet twins but also a reminder of the miracle. Yes, reaffirmed drive to create my own child is exactly how I felt. :)
DeleteThank you so much for your encouraging comments. Although I would never wish this pain on anyone, it helps so much to know I'm not alone in all my crazy thoughts and emotions right now.
ReplyDeleteI know all too well what it's like to be on the wrong end of odds. I also know that sometimes it does work, against all odds, even if you're terrified the entire time. I can tell you have the strength needed to try until you get to that rainbow. Taking your nephew out in the midst of your own pain -- that is courage. And selflessness. It's so hard to be patient, but you're right -- focusing on the present and remembering that every day you're closer to that rainbow is the only way through.
Keeping my eyes peeked for rainbows and praying hard for yours! Love you much sister friend!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much!!
Delete"The LORD will give you prosperity in the land he swore to your ancestors to give you, blessing you with many children, numerous livestock, and abundant crops." Deuteronomy 28:11
ReplyDeleteReturn to your fortress, you prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you. Zechariah 9:12
These are two of my favorite verses. Hold on to your hope of having healthy babies girl. The devil is trying to break you down and destroy you but God will restore you. He will give you double goodness for your trouble. He won't let the devil win, just believe. Hugs!
waitingforbabybird.com
Hi Elisha,
DeleteGreat verses, thanks for sharing. "double goodness for my trouble" would be something really really good! :)
When I first read your title I got all upset - you are a real mom! After reading the full post, I get that you meant something else, but you still are a real mom. I love all the rainbows you saw. Hoping they are good signs of things to come :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the reminder that I am a mom still-it's hard because I have no evidence. I hope the rainbows are good signs too. I love that you saw that binky with a rainbow on the day of your transfer <3
DeleteI love this post. The hope in it is encouraging. You will be a legitimate member of the mom club, I just know it. I am glad you got to enjoy it temporarily. =)
ReplyDeleteYou are for sure a mom my friend, and I am keeping the faith that you will have your rainbow baby. You are always in my prayers. <3
ReplyDeleteI just did this. I went to a mall with a friend who has two kids - a 3 year old and an 18 mo old. Since my friend was so busy keeping track of the 3 year old, the 18 mo old reached up and grabbed my hand to help her walk. I'm sure everyone who saw assumed she was mine. I felt like a total fraud, but wished so badly that it was real. Enjoy your rainbow spotting while you heal. You're so strong, Holly, and you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI have tons and tons of hope for you. xo
ReplyDeleteAfter 4 losses still waiting on my rainbow too...your post was a reminder that God makes beauty from the ashes.
ReplyDeleteI love this song...maybe you can also find encouragement in it.
Broken Hallelujah:
http://freeccm.com/2013/11/05/the-afters-broken-hallelujah-lyric-video/
http://gabrielthomaslarmondra.blogspot.com
It's so unfair that your rainbows didn't lead to that pot of gold in that way. I hope you find it soon....
ReplyDeleteMy sister and her daughter, my niece, lived with us for almost 3 years. My niece actually does look like me, so I experienced that many times. She would always correct people by telling them I'm not her mom! It actually still happens sometimes and she is 8. My husband and I tried for 14 years before we finally got our babies, after two early losses. It was difficult because my sister had 4 kids. My nieces and nephews mean the world to me and we are very close, but that never stopped the jealousy monster from rearing it's ugly head.
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ReplyDeleteAll the years I spent in infertility groups and I never knew that was what a rainbow baby was. I thought it was a baby who had died and was "somewhere over the rainbow" so to speak. I never had last losses like you. I had gone before I ever knew losses. "I'm Mrs. Williams the numbers are too low. It's not viable." Losses. Almost 7 years of trying and an 4 embryos that didn't implant. Years of wishing and waiting for the right time, right man to start my family before that... It hurt so much with every failure. The years marched on and I lost more and more of myself. But I couldn't give up hope. I tried trust me, I tried. I went to SIRM (Las Vegas) for one final try. I knew that if it didn't work, I was done. I didn't have it in me to try again. The doctors gave me a 5% chance. Yes 5% to take home a baby. 60% of a loss if was lucky enough to get pregnant. I had another loss somewhere between 9 and 11 weeks. It was my rainbow baby's twin. My last chance. I still get tears in my eyes when I think about it. I can't even imagine what you have endured. I am sorry for your losses. I pray that you get lot's of rainbow babies. Well however many you desire anyway. After my early losses I credit adding blood thinners to my list of injections for helping my embryos finally implant well enough to grow. I should have left my old doctor sooner when he refused to give them to me after I decided they were worth a shot... um shots. Crazy that the cycle that I had the worst response ever (only 3 follicles and 2 eggs) was the one that worked. That cycle was everything they tell you to avoid. I pray that you find the right path for you. The thing that works to bring that rainbow baby to you. I've seen many, many sad stories over the years. Some every bit as sad or even sadder than yours. (How awful is that?) Women who were stronger than a woman should ever have to be. And thankfully most found their way to their rainbow baby. So there is hope. Even when you've lost faith for awhile there is hope. Hugs. Patricia Gibson-Williams
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