Praise the Lord, the 24 hours after delivering Brinly were fairly uneventful. I had a few contractions and was bleeding, but nothing that alarmed them and no sign of infection.
On Halloween morning I woke up way before the surgery. My brain/stress/worry cannot be overcome with their power sleeping meds. They took me to the Operation Room and gave me a spinal. I was horrified for the pain but it just felt like a shot. My body went numb fast and I didn't feel a thing.
Since my case is so rare, every move is an educated guess. The doctors literally went in and sewed stitches in my cervix. This type of surgery is called a cerclage. They usually do it on people with incompetent cervixes but in my case they thought it couldn't hurt.
One of the specialists told me they have had 5 of theses "cases" in the last 5 years where one twin or
triplet delivers and then they give a cerclage. 2 have had successful outcomes (baby at the end). The hope is it keeps out infection and reminds my body not to go into labor but there are no guarantees.
I cannot express in words the amount of emotions and mainly fear I have experienced in the last week. I cannot go to the bathroom without a "catcher" in the toilet because I'm horrified to simply go to the bathroom. Every twinge, every spot, every ache can lead me to a panic attack. I was originally told I would go home today (Sunday) but one of the specialist feels I need to be on antibiotics 7 days after surgery so it looks like my new "home" date isn't until Thursday.
Friday was the melt down day. My back hurt really bad from the spinal, I realized we are so far from out of the woods. I'm on an IV where they give me antibiotics every 6 hours-hardcore antibiotics to the point I'm getting a yeast infection. I could see the box where Brinly's footprints, and blanket, and hat were and lost it. I want this to be over so bad. The infertility journey is enough for one person, then adding rare pregnancy complications? I'm in so much shock.
I also went through a selfish cry period. I've dreamed of being pregnant and FINALLY reached a point in my pregnancy where I could breathe and enjoy. We didn't officially announce till 17 weeks-far beyond the "safe zone." I cried because the rest of the pregnancy is jaded. Every day I will wonder if this is the day. I will be scared to go to the bathroom. I will probably panic and think I'm going into labor the first time I feel sweet Jude move instead of laughing and smiling and "just knowing" he was okay. I cried because I won't have a joyful baby shower-I only want one IF it works out (so sad I have to say IF). I cried because the joy and excitement in "bump pictures" seems pointless, the nursery is on hold. Of course, it will be worth it in the end, but I'm being honest. I told Darren I feel like I just got a positive pregnancy test-4 weeks pregnant-and that I have to keep my mouth shut and emotions guarded till 12 weeks. Maybe I can breathe again a bit once I hit 24 if God allows me to go that far.
Lastly, the most painful wave of emotion I'm dealing with is the fact Brinly was perfect. I HATE (insert every horrible bad possible word here) HATE that Brinly would have been alive if her water didn't freakishly break. I HATE that after 3 years of infertility we were 41 days away...FORTY ONE freaking days of where she could have possibly survived. If I knew something was wrong with her...anything...deformity, mental illness, etc.I could at least know that she was spared from a more challenging life. But she was perfect and I hate it.
Through the storm, we will praise Him. I do not have one ounce of anger toward God. I don't understand it, but I trust that He is good and that He sees things we don't. I'm not angry-but I'm very deeply sad. I'm sad at God.
Thank you all so much for the verses, encouragement, packages (Sarah and Suzanne), prayers, and crying with us. Means the world and brings support. Thank you. Let the fight continue for Jude.
I'm sad at God too, Holly! I hate that there is no reason, nothing to point to as to why this pregnancy has been so hard, so incredibly sad. I hate that you will spend your next weeks worrying and wondering rather than celebrating and rejoicing! It doesn't make sense, but you're right, He is good. Praying for you and baby Jude! Fight hard, pretty mama! We're all here if you need us!
ReplyDeleteHolly your strength is amazing. I know we don't know how strong we can be until we have to be but you amaze me. You continue to fight for Jude and we will continue to lift you up in prayer! Praying so very hard for your family, for your grief and that you can have some joy in the weeks ahead.
ReplyDeleteI have been praying so hard for baby Jude and I am so thankful that you were able to post. I am so deeply sad for you and your hubby. Big hugs to you both and continued prayers!
ReplyDeleteYour faith and strength is so admirable. Been looking for your posts, so thanks for the update. When you feel comfortable and have time I would love your address. Praying and believing with you for a healthy full term delivery for Jude!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you, and all you been through. Hope soon to hear, you're good as new.
ReplyDeleteLet All of the family and loving friends,
Be the Healing, sweet Angels that our dear Lord sends!
I have been praying for you. I'm glad Jude is staying cozy in there and pray he continues to. That memory box is such a sweet way to honor your little princess. You amaze me. XOXOXO
ReplyDeleteI so understand all your emotions. Sad and not understanding and in disbelief.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking so much of you and baby Jude.
Still don't have any words other than to let you know that we're still praying for you and especially for Jude. You are on our hearts and minds.
ReplyDeletePraying so hard for you and baby Jude. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI am not a big 'pray'er, especially for people I don't know, but I have been praying for you and your family. Sweet Brinly and baby Jude, you, and your husband...you are all in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Caroline that your faith is very admirable. You are leading by example in not being mad at God. I wish I could have said the same thing when I had my miscarriage. I did work through it, but it was a horrible time dealing with my anger. I will continue to pray for you and baby Jude, that the circlage will work, and that you will beat the odds and Jude will be be delivered a healthy, beautiful baby boy.
ReplyDeleteLove the picture! Hang in there - let Jesus take the wheel :). I sent you something so hopefully you'll get it when you get home.
ReplyDeleteLifting you and your husband up in prayer. Wish we all had the "magic words" to make you feel better or make this easier. Just know there are many, many prayer warriors on your side and praying for a healthy baby Jude.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing. Baby Jude has so much to love for
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine going through what you have gone through! Praying for you and baby Jude--you are an inspiration, girl!
ReplyDeleteYou Don't know me, I have read and re-read your journey over and over. Last Sunday I shared it with my Dad..I Cried and cried..he could hardly understand me. I have been struggling with my faith, he said to me, "Brinly has already been a blessing. She has touched your heart, you prayed for her, you talked to your heavenly father, you haven't done that for a long time. Brinly is a miracle, she has brought people to their knees, they too have talked to their heavenly father. Maybe That was her purpose Honey." I want to thank you for sharing your journey..I will continue each day to be thankful for your sweet daughter and the miracle she was to me.
ReplyDeleteThis brings tears to my eyes as I sit in the hospital bed. What a beautiful things to share. I hate the idea of this being pointless but if Brinly's life/situation has encouraged people in their faith and relationship with God I can at least acknowledge a purpose. Thank you so much for sharing this.
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ReplyDeleteI'm still here for you Holly. The prayers continue to pour out for you Darren, and your little fighter Jude. I would take your sadness away if I could...
ReplyDeleteVery glad you posted and that the prayers are pouring through and working. You posted on Diwali, the Indian holiday for a new year, new blessings and known as the Festival of LIghts. You are blessed and many are praying with you, including this gal. :) Peace be with you and may the light overtake the darkness.
ReplyDeleteI am a CCRM gal myself and one of these days when I'm not posting on my phone I'll login with my blogger account so you know who is on the other end.
I struggle so much when God hands me something that seems impossible. I wrestle with it endlessly. "Why is He doing this?! I know He has a reason. I know this will somehow be for good, but HOW?! Surely THIS could never be used for good." --- And yet it seems like every time I hit something ugly, He finds a way to use it for good. It doesn't keep me from being mad and sad and mad again and sad again. I'm still sad about the last challenge He threw at me, even though I can now see all of the good He worked through it. It's so hard to make sense of what only He can understand!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your journey. Please know we are continually praying for you in our little corner of Iowa. And while I cannot possibly understand your pain, I do understand this wrestling match with what God gives us. :)
Praying for you and sweet Jude.
ReplyDeleteYou are so brave in sharing your story and I promise this is helping others. Prayers for you, your husband and Jude.
ReplyDeletexoxxo
continuing to lift you in prayers and love, hope and peace.
ReplyDeleteHolly you faith is amazing. Hang on girl! Even though we experience losses and tragedy in this life we will choose to praise Him, for without Him where does our strength come from to make it through? You are very loved as a couple and a family....we lift up your weary arms in prayer as you fight on. HIS STRENGTH IS MADE PERFECT IN OUR WEAKNESS. Love to all, The Clubbs
ReplyDeleteHolly, I'm so sorry for sweet Brinly. We lost our only daughter (we have two sons) this past April 26th, 2013 at 30 weeks and 1 day in my belly. I can relate with so much of what you share. We are not any braver or stronger than anyone else; we do it because we don't get to not to.
ReplyDeletePraying for you and hurting and hoping with you for sweet baby Jude.
In my blackest, darkest days of grieving I was (am) reminded that even the darkness is not dark to the Lord (Psalm 139:12).
crying with you, can hardly read your post to uncle ron....had special prayer for holly and jude by a sweet Filipino congregation last night, before church they introduced me to a young Hawaiian lady they told me hangs onto prayer requests and continues in prayer until they see the answer....I know she will join all in prayers for your little family....love you auntie cindy......we will meet brinly 'on the other side'....
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you are going through this. I have been following your blog for quite sometime, but have never commented. I had my first miscarriage this week and am currently finding great comfort in this song. I hope it blesses you like it did me! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY
ReplyDeleteI will be praying for baby Jude! God can do so much more than we can ever think. I am asking Him to do exceedingly abundantly for Jude!
I am praying that God will infuse you with His strength to get through this. I just went through two losses and a pregnancy full of complications and 5 months of bed rest. I can relate to many of the feelings about which you have written, and I pray extra hard for you to have your miracle.
ReplyDeleteYour words continue to bring tears to my eyes. I think of you daily. You are certainly entitled to as many selfish cry days as you need. They are so understandable and probably much needed. Continuing to send you, Darren and baby Jude much love and many good thoughts. And you are certainly, most welcome! xoxo
ReplyDeleteAgree with all the other ladies! I admire your great faith and I pray that God continues to heal your heart and whisper into it that he's right there with you. It's my prayer that you will find peace in the midst of this awful chaos. Praying immensely for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteSad at God....yes that seems about right. My heart hurts for you and your family. Continuing to send prayers for strength and healing for you, baby Jude and the whole family.
ReplyDeleteThere are no words for what you are going through for little baby Jude (as well as your angel babies). I keep thinking about how you said that you went through a "selfish cry period." NOTHING that you are experiencing or feeling is selfish by any means. Please do not allow any of your feelings to be weighted down by the thought of them as being "selfish" in any manner. It is important for you to have those feelings because they are what you are feeling and experiencing ... and it is better to allow them out to breathe than to push them down and stifle them because then they will control you instead of vice versa. I continue to think about you and your family on a regular basis and pray that you can continue to take the deep breaths and the self-care that you need for yourself and Jude as you continue to go forward one day, hour, and sometimes minute at a time.
ReplyDeletePraying for sweet Jude! We all prayed (and cried) for you at my girls bible study last night. May God assure you of His goodness during this time. So, so hard but I know He can do it. One of the girls shared this scripture to encourage me, and I thought I'd pass it along. "I will make an everlasting covenant with them: I will never stop doing good to them, and I will inspire them to fear me, so that they will never turn away from me." Jeremiah 32:40
ReplyDeleteWe may never know the reasons behind so many trials in life, but I think as long as we can find one good thing in each hardship, then we become better people because of it. Please know that you have so much support in your friends, family and online community. I'll keep praying for you, your husband and especially for Jude to continue growing.
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