Say Something I'm Giving Up On You

November 27, 2013

Obviously I was in the hospital and on bed rest for five weeks so I'm a little behind on "pop" culture.  I recently heard one of the top tens called "Say Something I'm Giving Up on You."  I cannot stop listening to it, almost turning it into a prayer.  My entire life I have walked as a Jesus follower but for the first time in my life I didn't feel His peace and presence when I was alone in that horrid hospital room the night they had to break Jude's water.  Thousands of prayers for a miracle.  Thousands of begs to God, cries for help, cries to heal, cries to heal me and my baby.  Silence.

To be transparent, I struggle to pray right now.  My faith has clearly been shaken.  The only things I can mutter out are thanking Him for giving me Darren and asking Him to tell Jude and Brinly about us-what we are like, how badly we wanted them, how deeply sad we are they are gone.  I ask God that He tells them what we look like, what kind of people we are, and how we are getting by.  The other prayer I can sometimes whisper is asking Him to "say something."  I'm so broken, so rock bottom.  We will do whatever we feel He asks us.  If adoption is the route, tell me Lord, make it obvious.  Say something. We are seriously considering surrogacy.  Say something.  Do I dare try again myself?  Say something.

The only book in the Bible I can stand to read is Job.  In no way am I comparing my story to his as everything he had, including his health, was stripped away at God's permission.  But, the one thing I have in common with Job is I haven't done anything so horrible to deserve this.  I can relate to his questioning of God's goodness and his wishes that he had never been born.  I can relate to the unfair suffering that sneaks up on you out of now where and knocks you to the ground.  My study Bible pointed out in James 5:10-11

"As you know, we consider blessed those who have persevered.  You have heard of Job's perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about.  The Lord is full of mercy and compassion."

Although I feel so "betrayed" by God, so ditched, I refuse to accept that this is the how our story ends.  Deep in my heart I know this is not His nature and we live in a messed up world where bad things happen to good people.  The words "finally brought about" is all I can cling to in hopes that He will redeem and give back. 

So back to the song.  I will never "give up" on God.  I'm 100% "in" that He is good and His ways are higher than my ways and his thoughts higher than my thoughts.  I will never ever deny that.  However, the song is so perfect for where my heart is.  Just say something God.  Here's the song, I wrote some of my "thoughts" next to the lyrics.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to. (I feel like here is the surrender, I will do what you want)
Anywhere, I would've followed you. (I've been 100% faithful in my Christian walk)
Say something, I'm giving up on you. (Oh God, speak to us)

And I am feeling so small. (I have never felt so small in my life)
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl. (I cannot wait till I feel like I can even just crawl again)

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you. (I wish I would have felt you with me)
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love (I still and forever will love Him)
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...