10 Week 2 day "Are you Alive?" Ultrasound

September 6, 2013

After the shock at exactly 9 weeks that we had lost one of the triplets, I did have a strange deep peace that God was doing what was best for all of us...BUT that doesn't mean it doesn't put me on pins and needles that that other 2 could die.  They are slightly more at risk...plus the fact that we had seen the sweet little beats TWICE tripped me out that we are NOT in the safe zone.

I was scheduled to see a high risk pregnancy specialist in Oregon on September 4th, but once they heard I lost a triplet they cancelled my appointment because twins don' t cause quite the stir.  When I found out that this was cancelled, I called Kaiser and BEGGED for an appointment to either hear the heartbeats (we actually hadn't audibly heard them yet) or have another ultrasound (September 4th  which would be like 10 days after the sad ultrasound).  I started work on the 4th and I figured at 10.5 weeks if everything was strong, I could at least tell my boss/co-workers.  I basically said, "I want any appointment with any doctor you can offer, just to know the other 2 are alive."

The nurse was so sweet.  She confessed that she had snuck into my files to look at the triplet pregnancy ultrasound photo because she had never seen one, and then said sorry for my loss.  She then said, "You can come in whenever you want to hear the heartbeat as many times as you want." She scheduled me for Sept 4 at the clinic by my house. 

On Wednesday after my first day of teaching (I have 168 students btw) Darren and I quickly drove to Kaiser.  It was a sweet retired (and I think somewhat bored) doctor who was all about doing the ultrasound.  When he asked why I was in I just restated "I just need to know they are alive."  While I was expecting good news, the fear of another loss is always haunting me. 

He was able to see them both clearly with their cheap little bedside machine (yay!  first NON VAGINAL ultrasound).  Baby A was kicking little legs and the heartbeat was super clear.  The doctor told Darren to film it with his phone!  (the last few ultrasounds were at the actual radiology department and they would NOT let phones be out).  He then moved the wand quickly to Baby C (I appreciated that he didn't "linger" or "stop" on baby B, I didn't want to see it :(  Baby C wasn't really moving/kicking but the flicker was very clear. 

Once done, I asked if he could try the Doppler even though 10 weeks is a bit early.  He said "why not?" and was able to pick one up.  The pregnancy began to fill real to me.  I haven't fully accepted it because of the previous losses and because I'm not in the "safe zone" yet (*I know there is never a 100% safe zone, even after born, but I think miscarriage rate goes under 3% at this point). 

Funny side note story:  So of course my family is in the loop.  Darren called my mom and said "the babies are good and we saw them kicking!"  My mom relayed this info to my 23 year old brother Robby.  Robby is awesome but he doesn't know a thing about babies (he is a king of bachelorhood).  On Wednesday I was wearing a tight dress (you can see the little bump) and was at my parents house.  Robby came home and I said "Robby, look at my belly" he instantly comes up and puts his hands on it (he isn't touchy/feely type) and holds them on my super small bump for like 10 seconds.  Then I finally say "What are you doing?" And he says in an annoyed tone "mom said they were kicking."  ha hah aha.  I loved it.  I was like "rob, they are the size of strawberries."   

I get to go back this Thursday.  At that point I'll be 11 weeks 4 days.  If all is well then, I think I can confidently accept it and rejoice and announce to the real world that Monday (the 12 week mark)!  The official announcement!  As an infertile woman I am well aware that this very likely could be the only pregnancy we ever experience.  I do NOT want to spend the whole time in fear and doubt.  Every time I go to the bathroom I'm still inspecting the toilet paper for blood.  I haven't felt queasy the last couple days and go into panic mode.  I'm still giving myself the huge PIO shots.  I want to leave al this behind.  I want to be grateful and rejoice and celebrate it. 

I then get to get another ultrasound the 23rd with the specialist to check for down syndrome, etc.  (13 weeks).  Then, I think we will pay the extra "early 3d fee" at 15 weeks to find out genders.  We are far from "rich" but when you've dropped 25K in the baby making land, $165 to get another peek is priceless.

Thanks for all the prayers.  I am so thankful for the women I have connected with through all this.  I'm holding my breath 10 more days and then I hit that magical moment that I have LONGED for.  12 weeks.