11 failed IUIs, IVF #1- miscarriage, FET #1-nada, IVF #2-triplets but we lost them all at 9, 18, and 21 weeks in 2013. When all hope was lost a friend stepped forward to be our gestational carrier and carried in our twins... 2 years later we decided to try for one more baby with me carrying again...this is our story
Fun and Funny Updates
September 25, 2013
My husband always uses the phrase "fun and funny" (usually when describing himself) and I thought it would be a good title for the last week and a half.
Funny:
1. We went to Red Robin with my parents and grandparents (first time grandparents got to see my little bump) and Dad, trying to be funny as usual, points to my stomach and asks "Who did this to you?" in a mad/disgusted tone. I instantly replied "His name is Dr. Patton and there were five people in the room when we conceived."
2. One of my favorite childhood friends and I met up and she grabs my stomach and says "Holly this is the fattest I've ever seen you" and I felt like it was the best compliment in the world.
3. Another friend said "I can't even notice" and I felt a wave of sad (I think in a normal world it's a compliment.)
4. The wrestling coach at my work is super cool an knew we were doing IVF this summer. He popped in to ask if it worked. As I told him YES I realized my face was massively turning red?!? For some reason I felt all shy about it! Same thing happened when my an old student found out. What that's about?
Fun:
1. An old student at work asked if I was pregnant!! She didn't have the guts to ask me but asked the volleyball coach. I gave her a prize; I'm carrying around a Starbucks card to give to the first stranger that has the guts to ask me. All the 3rd year Spanish students I had last year know; and I keep getting hugs and visits to my room. HOWEVER, my current students don't know...or haven't asked.
2. I went in yesterday for down syndrome screening and the tech was pretty confident in the genders. She said it was too early to be sure (13 weeks 1 day) but said she would give me her predictions. She zoomed in between each of their little legs and explained her theory on team pink, on team blue, or on both! I won't share what she predicted because my big "reveal" is on my 30th bday party and some friends/fam check in on my blog! But it felt amazing to think MAYBE I know! I'm dying. PS-down syndrome clear.
3. Our Halloween Costumes: We will add an "s" to Darren's apron
My husband always uses the phrase "fun and funny" (usually when describing himself) and I thought it would be a good title for the last week and a half.
Funny:
1. We went to Red Robin with my parents and grandparents (first time grandparents got to see my little bump) and Dad, trying to be funny as usual, points to my stomach and asks "Who did this to you?" in a mad/disgusted tone. I instantly replied "His name is Dr. Patton and there were five people in the room when we conceived."
2. One of my favorite childhood friends and I met up and she grabs my stomach and says "Holly this is the fattest I've ever seen you" and I felt like it was the best compliment in the world.
3. Another friend said "I can't even notice" and I felt a wave of sad (I think in a normal world it's a compliment.)
4. The wrestling coach at my work is super cool an knew we were doing IVF this summer. He popped in to ask if it worked. As I told him YES I realized my face was massively turning red?!? For some reason I felt all shy about it! Same thing happened when my an old student found out. What that's about?
Fun:
1. An old student at work asked if I was pregnant!! She didn't have the guts to ask me but asked the volleyball coach. I gave her a prize; I'm carrying around a Starbucks card to give to the first stranger that has the guts to ask me. All the 3rd year Spanish students I had last year know; and I keep getting hugs and visits to my room. HOWEVER, my current students don't know...or haven't asked.
2. I went in yesterday for down syndrome screening and the tech was pretty confident in the genders. She said it was too early to be sure (13 weeks 1 day) but said she would give me her predictions. She zoomed in between each of their little legs and explained her theory on team pink, on team blue, or on both! I won't share what she predicted because my big "reveal" is on my 30th bday party and some friends/fam check in on my blog! But it felt amazing to think MAYBE I know! I'm dying. PS-down syndrome clear.
3. Our Halloween Costumes: We will add an "s" to Darren's apron
Twelve
September 16th, 2013
*Disclaimer: I have been ttc for almost 3 years. Sometimes when people I follow got pregnant it gave me hope for the future but as it went along, although I was soo happy for them, it still kicked me in the gut (the original announcement). I want to be SOOO sensitive to people who follow/read my blog so I originally started a new blog where I was going to put my bump updates, shower details, etc. I started it for the triplets but instantly deleted it the day we had our loss. I've decided to keep it all in one place. I PROMISE to not complain or go on and on about how "perfect" things are. I plan to post an update about once a week. If you are in a place where my blog brings you pain instead of hope, I won't be offended if you stop reading for now. My heart is so heavy for people that are in the process of ttc with all the fear and worry and obsessing that comes. You women are on my heart and mind all the time.
Today I hit one of the big milestones: 12 weeks. Since we've had 2 miscarriages so far, the 12 week is a great step in the right direction. I'm relaxing a bit more and finally allowing myself to feel excited and overwhelmingly grateful. I went to the grocery store the other day and since I'm not supposed to lift anything over 20 lbs, I opened a carton of water bottles and put them in my cart 1 by 1. The cashier gave me a funny look and I said "Oh sorry, I'm pregnant and can't lift heavy items." It felt so fake. I'm saying "I'm pregnant?" Is this a dream? It still seems so crazy since the last 3 years of my life have been wondering if and how.
I got to have another ultrasound (#5) at eleven weeks 3 days and my mom came with. I was with my regular OB who has been with me since the beginning of the IUIs. I grabbed her hand as she was doing the ultrasound and said, "Dr. Foster I've been waiting for this moment with you for so long." My mom got to see the little twins moving around (1 was way more active) but the heartbeat was clear. I'm glad my mom got to experience a "happier" visit since the last one she came with me on was when we found out we had lost one. I asked Dr. Foster about drops of blood and she said "honestly at this point I don't think you need to worry about the pregnancy." I get to go in again at 13 weeks for down syndrome screening and then gender reveal in early October!! I'm dying to know.
Here's my first official Bump update!!
How far along: 12 weeks
*Disclaimer: I have been ttc for almost 3 years. Sometimes when people I follow got pregnant it gave me hope for the future but as it went along, although I was soo happy for them, it still kicked me in the gut (the original announcement). I want to be SOOO sensitive to people who follow/read my blog so I originally started a new blog where I was going to put my bump updates, shower details, etc. I started it for the triplets but instantly deleted it the day we had our loss. I've decided to keep it all in one place. I PROMISE to not complain or go on and on about how "perfect" things are. I plan to post an update about once a week. If you are in a place where my blog brings you pain instead of hope, I won't be offended if you stop reading for now. My heart is so heavy for people that are in the process of ttc with all the fear and worry and obsessing that comes. You women are on my heart and mind all the time.
Today I hit one of the big milestones: 12 weeks. Since we've had 2 miscarriages so far, the 12 week is a great step in the right direction. I'm relaxing a bit more and finally allowing myself to feel excited and overwhelmingly grateful. I went to the grocery store the other day and since I'm not supposed to lift anything over 20 lbs, I opened a carton of water bottles and put them in my cart 1 by 1. The cashier gave me a funny look and I said "Oh sorry, I'm pregnant and can't lift heavy items." It felt so fake. I'm saying "I'm pregnant?" Is this a dream? It still seems so crazy since the last 3 years of my life have been wondering if and how.
I got to have another ultrasound (#5) at eleven weeks 3 days and my mom came with. I was with my regular OB who has been with me since the beginning of the IUIs. I grabbed her hand as she was doing the ultrasound and said, "Dr. Foster I've been waiting for this moment with you for so long." My mom got to see the little twins moving around (1 was way more active) but the heartbeat was clear. I'm glad my mom got to experience a "happier" visit since the last one she came with me on was when we found out we had lost one. I asked Dr. Foster about drops of blood and she said "honestly at this point I don't think you need to worry about the pregnancy." I get to go in again at 13 weeks for down syndrome screening and then gender reveal in early October!! I'm dying to know.
Here's my first official Bump update!!
How far along: 12 weeks
Baby is the size of a: plum
Total weight gain: 6 lbs! Yikes! I couldn't eat much from weeks 5-9 but around 10 I started feeling awesome and hungry! Since I was normal BMI to begin, they said to gain 40-50 pounds total. I'm 5'9'' and started at 148...200s here we come!
Maternity clothes: I could probably get away with out them, but I bought 2 pairs of super cute skinny jeans that "grow" with you. They are sooo comfy. I mainly wear dresses with leggings.
Stretch marks: non yet but my dad (lol) gave me bio oil so I oil up each night
Sleep: I've been sleeping fine at night, I just go to bed earlier. The funny thing is I wake up STARVING in the middle of the night and sneak into the kitchen to eat pretzels.
Best moment of this week: hitting the 12 weeks (I don't feel as ridiculous telling people), seeing both sweet babes on the ultrasound, and when I had to get a blood draw the tech said "Is this your first?" and I got to say "first and second!" Fun.
Miss anything: I would do anything and give up anything to be a mom.
Movement: nada
Food cravings: I could barely think about food but now I'm really into pringles (salty stuff) and Old Spaghetti Factory Minestrone Soup
Anything making you queasy or sick: In the beginning yes (certain foods, smells, the idea of having more that 1 inside mentally made me think I was sick) but I'm feeling pretty good...it's only beef jerky that makes me gag (I use to love it)
Have you started to show yet: YES! I had a super flat stomach before so my husband and family are all pumped about the little bump while friends say I just look like I ate a huge sandwich for lunch. I refuse to tell my students and I'm just dying for one of them to finally ask! Risky I know, but they are teenagers-very blunt, little tact. I'm going to give extra credit to the first student that asks, and $10 to the first stranger that asks when I'm due.
Gender: Oh man. Praying both make it to term, my first vote was girl/girl but then I started thinking one of each would be fun! Boy/boy would be a little crazy! I find out in just 3.5 weeks!!
Labor signs: Thankfully, no.
Belly button in or out: In!
Wedding rings on or off: Off but only because it's getting re dipped :)
Happy or moody most of the time: I am so so happy. I constantly find myself praying and just thanking God. I found out I was pregnant the DAY my first baby from IVF would have been born, July 21. I've had a few snappy moments with the husband but overall I'm JOYFUL!!
Looking forward to: telling friends that we have been waiting to tell, students finding out (they are fun and will love it), finding out the gender, my 30th bday coming up OCT 21 where we will tell the genders, March when they are due! AHHH
Here is a little video from our 10.5 week ultrasound:
Peace OUT Progesterone in Oil
September 10, 2013
Although I always knew deep down getting pregnant would be a long and hard journey, we did have our "hopeful" "unprotect sex for the first time ever" thrill when I got off the bcp in early 2010. By that summer, the thrill was long gone and I was all over getting Clomid. Which lead to Femera. Which lead to IUI's with HCG injections which lead to IVF with 10593537 medications/shots.
For this last IVF cycle I started the bcp in late May. Since then I have been taking oral pills or injections. The dreaded PIO shot (the big one that goes in the booty) is always welcomed at first because it means that the end of the IVF treatment is near (I start it 2 days after transfer). I stayed on it for a long time after the first IVF that lead to early miscarriage as a "just in case." The 2nd IVF (frozen transfer) I just took it 9 days and stopped immediately when my HCG game back at 1.
Hypothetically, I have been on some kind of fertility med since 2010. Obviously this last IVF cycle worked so far so although sometimes not fun, I was ordered to stay on the big PIO injections till 10 weeks, 6 days. I hit that mark this last weekend and iced up my buns, pushed in the needle (I do it to myself, I know, I'm hardcore) and then had my husband rub the area with a heated pack for a few minutes to help the oil disperse. Then I realized. I am done with fertility meds (for now). (See LAST 2 inch PIO shot on right)
I still haven't fully accepted it all. I think out of fear and out of loss and out of not quite being out of the 12 week zone. I feel like I'm living in a dream. I don't have to take fertility drugs?
100% truth I have woken up SO many times in the night and come into the kitchen (half asleep) panicking that I forgot to take something. About 3 weeks ago I did this and Darren was still up watching tv. I was in a sleep walking panic and even said "did you take your pill too?" (Darren doesn't take pills). He asked me if I was awake.
I don't know what the future holds. I doubt this will be my eternal break from all the meds, especially if we ever want to conceive more children, but today I am so grateful to be done with pills and needles for the moment. For all of you who are suffering from the hot flashes and headaches of ovulation meds, or the pain on daily injections as the world around us gets pregnant on accident or in a night of passion, remember that you are fighters/warriors. Infertility makes you stronger than you EVER knew you could be. Keep fighting. It' hard because there is no guarantee but the risk is so worth it.
Lord I pray for the women who are fighting each month to have a baby via adoption, ART, or completely on their own. I pray for hope. I pray for courage. I pray for the ability to keep fighting when everything seems against them. I pray for protection on their hearts if someone close gets pregnant while THEY are going through painful side effects of infertility. I pray that there will be light at the end of her tunnel sooner than later and that you direct all of us in your perfect will. Answer our prayers.
Although I always knew deep down getting pregnant would be a long and hard journey, we did have our "hopeful" "unprotect sex for the first time ever" thrill when I got off the bcp in early 2010. By that summer, the thrill was long gone and I was all over getting Clomid. Which lead to Femera. Which lead to IUI's with HCG injections which lead to IVF with 10593537 medications/shots.
For this last IVF cycle I started the bcp in late May. Since then I have been taking oral pills or injections. The dreaded PIO shot (the big one that goes in the booty) is always welcomed at first because it means that the end of the IVF treatment is near (I start it 2 days after transfer). I stayed on it for a long time after the first IVF that lead to early miscarriage as a "just in case." The 2nd IVF (frozen transfer) I just took it 9 days and stopped immediately when my HCG game back at 1.
Hypothetically, I have been on some kind of fertility med since 2010. Obviously this last IVF cycle worked so far so although sometimes not fun, I was ordered to stay on the big PIO injections till 10 weeks, 6 days. I hit that mark this last weekend and iced up my buns, pushed in the needle (I do it to myself, I know, I'm hardcore) and then had my husband rub the area with a heated pack for a few minutes to help the oil disperse. Then I realized. I am done with fertility meds (for now). (See LAST 2 inch PIO shot on right)I still haven't fully accepted it all. I think out of fear and out of loss and out of not quite being out of the 12 week zone. I feel like I'm living in a dream. I don't have to take fertility drugs?
100% truth I have woken up SO many times in the night and come into the kitchen (half asleep) panicking that I forgot to take something. About 3 weeks ago I did this and Darren was still up watching tv. I was in a sleep walking panic and even said "did you take your pill too?" (Darren doesn't take pills). He asked me if I was awake.
I don't know what the future holds. I doubt this will be my eternal break from all the meds, especially if we ever want to conceive more children, but today I am so grateful to be done with pills and needles for the moment. For all of you who are suffering from the hot flashes and headaches of ovulation meds, or the pain on daily injections as the world around us gets pregnant on accident or in a night of passion, remember that you are fighters/warriors. Infertility makes you stronger than you EVER knew you could be. Keep fighting. It' hard because there is no guarantee but the risk is so worth it.
Lord I pray for the women who are fighting each month to have a baby via adoption, ART, or completely on their own. I pray for hope. I pray for courage. I pray for the ability to keep fighting when everything seems against them. I pray for protection on their hearts if someone close gets pregnant while THEY are going through painful side effects of infertility. I pray that there will be light at the end of her tunnel sooner than later and that you direct all of us in your perfect will. Answer our prayers.
10 Week 2 day "Are you Alive?" Ultrasound
September 6, 2013
After the shock at exactly 9 weeks that we had lost one of the triplets, I did have a strange deep peace that God was doing what was best for all of us...BUT that doesn't mean it doesn't put me on pins and needles that that other 2 could die. They are slightly more at risk...plus the fact that we had seen the sweet little beats TWICE tripped me out that we are NOT in the safe zone.
I was scheduled to see a high risk pregnancy specialist in Oregon on September 4th, but once they heard I lost a triplet they cancelled my appointment because twins don' t cause quite the stir. When I found out that this was cancelled, I called Kaiser and BEGGED for an appointment to either hear the heartbeats (we actually hadn't audibly heard them yet) or have another ultrasound (September 4th which would be like 10 days after the sad ultrasound). I started work on the 4th and I figured at 10.5 weeks if everything was strong, I could at least tell my boss/co-workers. I basically said, "I want any appointment with any doctor you can offer, just to know the other 2 are alive."
The nurse was so sweet. She confessed that she had snuck into my files to look at the triplet pregnancy ultrasound photo because she had never seen one, and then said sorry for my loss. She then said, "You can come in whenever you want to hear the heartbeat as many times as you want." She scheduled me for Sept 4 at the clinic by my house.
On Wednesday after my first day of teaching (I have 168 students btw) Darren and I quickly drove to Kaiser. It was a sweet retired (and I think somewhat bored) doctor who was all about doing the ultrasound. When he asked why I was in I just restated "I just need to know they are alive." While I was expecting good news, the fear of another loss is always haunting me.
He was able to see them both clearly with their cheap little bedside machine (yay! first NON VAGINAL ultrasound). Baby A was kicking little legs and the heartbeat was super clear. The doctor told Darren to film it with his phone! (the last few ultrasounds were at the actual radiology department and they would NOT let phones be out). He then moved the wand quickly to Baby C (I appreciated that he didn't "linger" or "stop" on baby B, I didn't want to see it :( Baby C wasn't really moving/kicking but the flicker was very clear.
Once done, I asked if he could try the Doppler even though 10 weeks is a bit early. He said "why not?" and was able to pick one up. The pregnancy began to fill real to me. I haven't fully accepted it because of the previous losses and because I'm not in the "safe zone" yet (*I know there is never a 100% safe zone, even after born, but I think miscarriage rate goes under 3% at this point).
Funny side note story: So of course my family is in the loop. Darren called my mom and said "the babies are good and we saw them kicking!" My mom relayed this info to my 23 year old brother Robby. Robby is awesome but he doesn't know a thing about babies (he is a king of bachelorhood). On Wednesday I was wearing a tight dress (you can see the little bump) and was at my parents house. Robby came home and I said "Robby, look at my belly" he instantly comes up and puts his hands on it (he isn't touchy/feely type) and holds them on my super small bump for like 10 seconds. Then I finally say "What are you doing?" And he says in an annoyed tone "mom said they were kicking." ha hah aha. I loved it. I was like "rob, they are the size of strawberries."
I get to go back this Thursday. At that point I'll be 11 weeks 4 days. If all is well then, I think I can confidently accept it and rejoice and announce to the real world that Monday (the 12 week mark)! The official announcement! As an infertile woman I am well aware that this very likely could be the only pregnancy we ever experience. I do NOT want to spend the whole time in fear and doubt. Every time I go to the bathroom I'm still inspecting the toilet paper for blood. I haven't felt queasy the last couple days and go into panic mode. I'm still giving myself the huge PIO shots. I want to leave al this behind. I want to be grateful and rejoice and celebrate it.
I then get to get another ultrasound the 23rd with the specialist to check for down syndrome, etc. (13 weeks). Then, I think we will pay the extra "early 3d fee" at 15 weeks to find out genders. We are far from "rich" but when you've dropped 25K in the baby making land, $165 to get another peek is priceless.
Thanks for all the prayers. I am so thankful for the women I have connected with through all this. I'm holding my breath 10 more days and then I hit that magical moment that I have LONGED for. 12 weeks.
After the shock at exactly 9 weeks that we had lost one of the triplets, I did have a strange deep peace that God was doing what was best for all of us...BUT that doesn't mean it doesn't put me on pins and needles that that other 2 could die. They are slightly more at risk...plus the fact that we had seen the sweet little beats TWICE tripped me out that we are NOT in the safe zone.
I was scheduled to see a high risk pregnancy specialist in Oregon on September 4th, but once they heard I lost a triplet they cancelled my appointment because twins don' t cause quite the stir. When I found out that this was cancelled, I called Kaiser and BEGGED for an appointment to either hear the heartbeats (we actually hadn't audibly heard them yet) or have another ultrasound (September 4th which would be like 10 days after the sad ultrasound). I started work on the 4th and I figured at 10.5 weeks if everything was strong, I could at least tell my boss/co-workers. I basically said, "I want any appointment with any doctor you can offer, just to know the other 2 are alive."
The nurse was so sweet. She confessed that she had snuck into my files to look at the triplet pregnancy ultrasound photo because she had never seen one, and then said sorry for my loss. She then said, "You can come in whenever you want to hear the heartbeat as many times as you want." She scheduled me for Sept 4 at the clinic by my house.
On Wednesday after my first day of teaching (I have 168 students btw) Darren and I quickly drove to Kaiser. It was a sweet retired (and I think somewhat bored) doctor who was all about doing the ultrasound. When he asked why I was in I just restated "I just need to know they are alive." While I was expecting good news, the fear of another loss is always haunting me.
He was able to see them both clearly with their cheap little bedside machine (yay! first NON VAGINAL ultrasound). Baby A was kicking little legs and the heartbeat was super clear. The doctor told Darren to film it with his phone! (the last few ultrasounds were at the actual radiology department and they would NOT let phones be out). He then moved the wand quickly to Baby C (I appreciated that he didn't "linger" or "stop" on baby B, I didn't want to see it :( Baby C wasn't really moving/kicking but the flicker was very clear.
Once done, I asked if he could try the Doppler even though 10 weeks is a bit early. He said "why not?" and was able to pick one up. The pregnancy began to fill real to me. I haven't fully accepted it because of the previous losses and because I'm not in the "safe zone" yet (*I know there is never a 100% safe zone, even after born, but I think miscarriage rate goes under 3% at this point).
Funny side note story: So of course my family is in the loop. Darren called my mom and said "the babies are good and we saw them kicking!" My mom relayed this info to my 23 year old brother Robby. Robby is awesome but he doesn't know a thing about babies (he is a king of bachelorhood). On Wednesday I was wearing a tight dress (you can see the little bump) and was at my parents house. Robby came home and I said "Robby, look at my belly" he instantly comes up and puts his hands on it (he isn't touchy/feely type) and holds them on my super small bump for like 10 seconds. Then I finally say "What are you doing?" And he says in an annoyed tone "mom said they were kicking." ha hah aha. I loved it. I was like "rob, they are the size of strawberries."
I get to go back this Thursday. At that point I'll be 11 weeks 4 days. If all is well then, I think I can confidently accept it and rejoice and announce to the real world that Monday (the 12 week mark)! The official announcement! As an infertile woman I am well aware that this very likely could be the only pregnancy we ever experience. I do NOT want to spend the whole time in fear and doubt. Every time I go to the bathroom I'm still inspecting the toilet paper for blood. I haven't felt queasy the last couple days and go into panic mode. I'm still giving myself the huge PIO shots. I want to leave al this behind. I want to be grateful and rejoice and celebrate it.
I then get to get another ultrasound the 23rd with the specialist to check for down syndrome, etc. (13 weeks). Then, I think we will pay the extra "early 3d fee" at 15 weeks to find out genders. We are far from "rich" but when you've dropped 25K in the baby making land, $165 to get another peek is priceless.
Thanks for all the prayers. I am so thankful for the women I have connected with through all this. I'm holding my breath 10 more days and then I hit that magical moment that I have LONGED for. 12 weeks.
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