Heart Stopped: A Change in the Game

August 26, 2013

I was able to get the ultrasound today at 1:00.  I invited my mom cause Darren had to work.  I debated it because mom has never got to see one of my ultrasounds and I would HATE for her to have to be there if a baby/babies died.  I figured that I had made her part of this journey and that I would risk letting her step in my crazy infertile world. 

I wasn't too nervous but I'll get straight to the punch:  Baby B died today.  Yes, today it measured 9 weeks.  I am exactly 9 weeks today and the other TWO, yes TWO (this is NOT how I intended to announce that I was pregnant with TRIPLETS) were still strong.  This is one of the most bittersweet things I have ever experienced. 

Before, I have heard of the "vanishing twin" syndrome and although all THREE of my precious babies had strong heartbeats at 6.5 weeks and 7.5 weeks, something happened to baby B.  I've been guarded because I knew miscarriage rates are higher with triplets but honestly, I have also accepted and dreamed about my family of 5.

Pregnancy does that to you-it's like being engaged-You are NOT married yet but you naturally start to plan the wedding and dream of the years to come.  Although my husband was originally ready to puke when he realized we were having triplets, he has become so excited.  Our family can't contain the "craziness" of three.  I was mentally prepared.  I'm 29.  I'm super tall.  I'm a good candidate.  I was 100% ready to go on bed rest and eat a ton of great food to try to get my little angels to at least 33 weeks. 

Bittersweet.  For the first time in my life, I saw the live ones move.  I saw the flicker and I saw them moving around.  But then that moment, baby B on the screen and no movement.  No flicker.  The tech shoved the wand a bit higher up-she was really trying.  My mom stared at the screen and asks "is the baby at a bad angle?"  I could answer-"mom they are inside me, if they can't see it it's not there."  Then the tech tries to measure the fetal pole.  Nothing.  I'm experiencing a miscarriage.  The death of a baby whose heartbeat I have seen twice.  It's in the middle of two alive babies.

I've met several women in blog land who have lost 1 or 2 along the way and went on to deliver perfect baby and I never fully got their sorrow.  I was in the trenches and thought ya, that's sad but at least they have a baby.  I even went as far as to somewhat "eye roll" a mom I read about who lost 2 triplets had to deliver them all and had 1 live baby.  She talked about the horrible clash or deep sorrow and pure joy.  I didn't get it.  At least she had a kid.

Today I get it.  After 11 treatments and years of failed attempt, something clicks in your brain when you see the hearts.  Usually I would be thrilled with twins (and still am) but the fact that today another child of mine has gone to heaven moves me in a very very sad and real way.  I know what to say and I get it "it's better/safer for the other two," "it will be easier financially"  "something was probably abnormal with B and it self aborted."  I was fine on the way home.  But when the RE office called and the nurse said I am so sorry I quickly said "ya but I'm grateful for the two" she responded but one of your babies did die and that doesn't change it.  I lost it.

Tears and snot and sobs and hiccups lost it.  Another loss.  I struggle so much with fear and anxiety as it is about miscarrying that the fact I'm currently having one amongst the living messes with me.  Scares me. Horrifies me.  My faith is being tested as I have to chose to trust Him or be mad and freaked. 

I know I sound greedy.  Heck we would all do anything for a baby.  2 months ago I was cool with a surrogate.  I roll my eyes at new moms that panic about "having" to have a C section or who get so upset because their milk doesn't come in.  YOU HAVE a CHILD!  DO YOU REALIZE HOW MANY WOMEN WOULD KILL FOR THAT??  Now, you may think, this girl is sad, depressed, complaining (I'm not complaining I'm mourning) but she still has two babies???  I was there too, not getting it when other women told their stories of sorrow when one or two were still good and I hope and pray you never have to lose any baby.  But I'm not out of the woods . Nine days ago all three were perfectly fine.  I have to wait 9 more days until the next ultrasound and God knows how fragile these little lives are.  Nothing is guaranteed.  I'm in shock because after the 2 heartbeats I thought we were safe.  Today I'm mourning our future that Darren and I dreamed up with triplets but I'm grateful that baby B wasn't a singleton.  It could be shock but I also have peace.

Last thought.  I visited my parents church yesterday and the pastor was talking about Gideon and a point where he was frustrated with God and questioned God.  The pastor pointed out that in the scriptures, God never "answered" or responded to Gideon's questions.  He went on to say that God didn't answer him because Gideon wouldn't have understood it anyway.  His thoughts are higher than our thoughts his ways are higher than our ways.  I know that at the point I could never understand why I had a miscarriage 9 months ago.  I don't "get" why God even allowed Baby B to implant if it was going to lose it's heart rate at 9 weeks.  Even if He tried to explain the reason, I wouldn't get it.  I just have to trust there is a bigger picture and pray my heart out that the other two grow strong. 

Baby B is joined with Jaden in heaven today :(  This song helps remind me that we will all be together someday in a place where tears are no more.