I haven't been "this far" in the BFP quest before. I guess I assumed once I had the benefit of nice doubling betas I would sigh in relief and be just a little guarded (and really excited) for the fetal pole check.
I'm disappointed in myself because I'm doing a horrible job of allowing worse case scenarios to play in my mind over and over. I keep stumbling on blogs of people who (everything looked perfect) and then no heart beat. I'm so jealous of the confidence women have going in to this-many bloggers (not all) go in to it wandering how many implanted instead of if any are alive. I wish I had that.
I'm obsessing over symptoms. I felt on and off nausea even before the test. I have mild twinges in my uterus as well. My breasts are sore. The nausea has died of the last couple days and as it dies, more fear is born. I keep pushing my breast to "make sure" they still hurt. If I feel queasy AT ALL I feel happy. Yesterday I did have a really really weird emotional situation. I was trying to annoy Darren and kept telling a joke over and over again (I was literally cracking myself up to the point of tears), he wasn't as amused. Anyways, when I really really laugh, I usually shed tears-as I reached that point, I realized I was sad crying, like sobbing. I got up to hide my insanity from my poor husband who was trying to watch the Big Bang Theory and took a shower. In there I sobbed, tears non stop, gasping for air. I honestly think I'm in shock. My body has been through the crazy ropes of IVF and there have been so many anxious moments of waiting for hpt and then relief, waiting for first beta-relief, etc. I'm scared and I think my body was wanting to release some of the stress. It was so weird . Heck, I can't even go to the bathroom without infertility teasing me. I'm horrified of blood in this situation. Every single time I go I would be lying to say it doesn't pop in my head.
I just got off a low dose anxiety pill so that's hard to since I'm thrown into a more serious than before TWO WEEK WAIT AGAIN for the heartbeat.
I know 85% of pregnancies don't end in miscarriage for women in my age range. I know that a strong doubling beta is a great start. I keep reminding myself that God has brought me this far and no matter what I do/don't do, the results will be the same.
The miscarriage last time was so so sad. I just watched this video tribute I made to "cope" with it (December 2012) and found myself sobbing.
I'm praying for courage to get through the next 2 weeks. I'm praying that God will continue to hold these babies in His hands and let them stay. I've mentioned it before but right around us seeing the fetal pole is right around the time our baby from our first IVF miscarriage would have been born. What a beautiful testimony and circle. I don't in anyway want to "dis" God by just living in fear and worry during this miracle, I've got to get it together. I think I'll go in for a 3rd Beta just for a boost of reassurance. AHHHHH. I'll need botox by the time I'm 31.
I am praying for you. I went through all the same things last year when we got our BFP. I would press my boobs, pray for nausea, check for blood every time I wiped...I don't think I relaxed until week 20, and I don't think I felt great until I held my baby girl. BUT through it all I did have an overwhelming peace amidst the anxiety. Hard to explain, but as a Christian I just knew God had this. HE always had, always will. Praying for peace and nothing but great news for the next 8 months!!
ReplyDeleteAs tears are streaming down my face I am lifting up prayers to the Lord. You guys will be amazing parents.
ReplyDeleteWow! Thank you so much for praying. I totally need to just accept peace and gratitude for where I'm at and take 1 day at time. It's hard. So much waiting!
DeleteYou are doing everything you can and that's all you can do, so just hand in on over to God girlie! Keep praying for peace and you will receive it! Hoping the days and weeks pass smoothly and steadily, and that you get to a place you feel comfortable very soon!
ReplyDeleteEmily you are so right. I'm doing all I can do (which isn't much). This is totally God's thing and I just have to trust and accept that. Thanks for the reminder. :)
DeleteI'm praying so hard for you. I certainly know how hard it is to keep the hope when you've gone through a loss, but you're absolutely right. The odds are in your favor. I hope peace finds you soon and you can start to enjoy being pregnant. :) xo
ReplyDeleteThanks Suzanne! I want peace to find US aLL soon!!
DeleteHolly, you can do this. I KNOW it is so hard. I was a complete wreck before we went in for our fetal pole check. I had all of the symptoms you describe--was SURE my period was going to start any day. Dr. Lee said no wonder I felt so physically bad--BOTH embryos had implanted and he said I was "doubly pregnant." :) Keep the faith. Hold your pumpkin noodle heart close and send those little babes light and love. Trust in your body. God has given it ancient wisdom to know exactly what to do to care for your babies. I am thinking so strongly of you and those little ones. Lots of love to you. <3
ReplyDeleteAmy you can so relate!! After IVF that fetal pole is the next big hurdle. I will definitely be guarded if there are multiples. I do hope I'm doubly pregnant! I agree, God has made our bodies "fearfully and wonderfully" and to trust that!! ;)
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