***Some people get pregnant really easy. We all know that. Before I "share the update" please remember that my journey is not one to envy (whose infertile journey is?). I have been living with the fear that I would never conceive since I was 18 and diagnosed with PCOS; I'm almost 30. When I got married we THEN found out my husband had low sperm count, low T, and low morphology. I have gone through multiple clomid and femera cycles of hot flashes and headaches and no results. I did EIGHT artificial inseminations with nothing, month after month. I got pregnant on IVF all to miscarry and find myself in a clinic getting the baby cleaned out of my body. One of the ultimate lows was 1 week after the D&C, when I thought it was "over," I started lactating. Months later I went through a promising FET with everything in my favor and nothing stuck. Below is a collage of the last 2.75 years: egg retrievals, shots, D&C, IUIs-all from failed cycles:
My second point is I know it is insane/ridiculous to go public w/ an early pregnancy announcement; in my "real world" I'm not doing that. I have only shared it with my direct family because I need them there if things go wrong. But in the blog world, I've been open and honest the whole time so I decided to take the risk and share w/ the followers because you guys will know if things go wrong too.
On Wednesday I had my second beta and it doubled. beta #1 440 (9dpt) beta #2 939 (11 dpt). This is not a pregnancy announcement. From our first miscarriage to following WAY too many stories that had happy news to result in early loss, I am taking 1 day at a time.
When I saw my positive home pregnancy test (I just took 1, 8dpt, Saturday) I whispered a prayer of thanks but this time I am so guarded; I sobbed for joy at the mere hope. Infertility has robbed me the joy of seeing those two lines and not thinking a care in the world could go wrong. There are 3 hurdles: 1-getting the positive hpt 2. Betas doubling (this is where we lost last time). 3. Seeing fetal pole (early August). Even then, my breath will be held. I appreciate all the prayers so much. We currently feel so happy and hopeful but guarded too. I cannot explain how many prayers are whispered as I fall asleep, when I catch myself doubting, when I catch myself afraid. It really is up to Him.
As someone who has been blogging for awhile, I've been really happy for people I followed (like before I did IVF and it would work for someone, I would be pumped) but then as I've been through the ringer a few times, IVF successes stung me a bit too. I pray to God that this glimmer of hope stings no one and brings hope to people fighting or that have had 1 or 2 failed IVFs under their belt. My blog is not going to turn into 5 million pictures of my stomach or my cravings or how I "horrible" feel if I make it to those points. Isn't that why some of us got off facebook? If this pregnancy is viable (again, no big celebration till heartbeat) I'll start a different blog for that a keep this one for the few milestones (heartbeat, gender) and infertility awareness. Thank you again to all the women who have rooted for me, prayed for me, hoped for me. I have a long 8 months ahead HOPEFULLY.
all i have to say is my first beta was in the 200's. ahem. SO i'll just be over here quietly squealing with excitement to myself. :)
ReplyDeleteha ha you are hilarious. I like the "quietly squealing." We still have a LONG road ahead. I think your post was "Scared $h*#list" and I'm feeling that a bit myself :)
DeleteHolly I am so happy for you. I have been waiting and praying for this post. I know how scary those first few weeks are. Honestly I still have fear of what if this happens now and I'm 27 weeks. Sometimes I get mad at infertility for giving me that fear, but then I'm so happy that I know how truly a miracle a baby is and how cherished each and every milestone is. Just keep praying.
ReplyDeleteYou have been w/ me since the very beginning!! I cannot express how much I appreciate your prayers!! I cannot believe how close you are too!! My husband had a really good point. He said even after we hear the heartbeat, and pass all those milestones, things can still go wrong-even after the child is born! He said lets choose to rejoice in the miracle and accept it day by day and not worry every day for the rest of our child's life. :) What's your due date?
DeleteThat is a great perspective. Every time I go to the doctor for an ultrasound or regular appointment to hear the heartbeat, I always hold my breath and pray for peace, strength, and our miracle still there. God is good. October 24th is my due date. We actually stuck with it and didn't find out the gender to continually remind us that we can't plan life, only God can. It has been hard. I pray those numbers increase and at 6/7 weeks you see that beautiful flicker of a heartbeat.
DeleteWow, right around our Bdays!! So cool, what at awesome gift. If God allows me to keep my miracle, I will celebrate my 30th bday with the gender reveal in October :) You are so tough about not finding out the gender but what a sweet sweet extra surprise it will be! Do you remember how early you got to see the heartbeat? I'm scheduled for 6 weeks 4 days.
DeleteIt was 6 1/2 almost 7 weeks. I remember going at 51/2 and there wasn't a heartbeat yet so I had to go back the following week to make sure one started. Continually sending prayers for that little miracle.
DeleteThose numbers are so high! This is amazing Holly. I'm so excited for you guys. Keeping you in my thoughts for baby or babies to grow strong. God is Great!
ReplyDeleteKristin thank you so much!! Yes, please keep us in your prayers! Any updates from you guys? I saw you bought the crib :) I love that.
DeleteStill on the waiting list to start our home study. We have our garage sale tomorrow. Hopeful that we will move off the wait list quickly! I am so super excited for you both!
DeleteSuper exciting!! Make sure to let us know how to find your new blog. Your joy, morning sickness and stats will not make me sad. Anyone that kicks the infertility monster's ass is my hero and I am truly happy for you!
ReplyDeleteYou are so sweet!! Infertility really does have a monster's A$$, no joke, trust me, I really really really want to keep kicking it. I'll keep you posted on new blog :)
DeleteI am weeping!!! COULD NOT BE MORE THRILLED that God has blessed you. My husband prayed for you the past two nights in our evening prayer time, and I just texted him your exciting news :). God can do anything! Praying He'd be pleased to let you keep these little one/ones to raise!
ReplyDeleteHow sweet!! Thank you! I'm so glad your husband found out that "holly from the blog" is hopefully on a good track ;) Thank you so much for the prayers, I'm praying that toooooo!!!!
DeleteWonderful news thus far. Those are great numbers! You will be in my prayers most definitely as you approach these very difficult and guarded milestones. I understand completely. So so happy that this could be it for you! xo
ReplyDeleteThanks Suzanne, we all know too well that anything could happen, of course I hope this is it but I'm taking 1 day at a time for sure :) Hope you are well!!!
DeleteHi Holly,
ReplyDeleteI'm a newbie and just found your blog. I am totally rooting for you and that you reach a new milestone one day at a time. Your picture collage says a lot about what you've been through and yet you still end the post thinking about others with kindness and appreciation. You rock and I really hope your dream comes true.
Marcy
Hi Marcy! Thank you sooo much! We need all the roots we can get :)
DeleteWhat wonderful, WONDERFUL news! We got our BFP last August and I felt very similar to you. Another friend who went through infertility described it as a guarded joy. I am praying that little bean sticks for the next 8 months!!!
ReplyDeleteWow! Almost exactly a year ago. I keep reminding myself that 85% of women don't miscarry and to be positive, but the feelings are so strong and the joy is guarded for sure! Thanks for the prayers so so much!!
DeleteCongratulations!!! I can relate to the way some announcements bring us joy and some sting. Yours definitely brings me hope. After a failed IVF and failed FET, I will remember your success story as we embark on FET #2. Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteThanks Emily!! You have A LOT of reason to hope with your frosties!!
DeleteCOngratulations on the exciting answered prayer. I am doing my FET on Aug 6th. I'm a bit nervous but my doctors are very hopeful. We are dealing with a male IF factor, so I hope and pray that all will go well. Your blog is very hopeful and uplifting so please keep writing. I love the songs throughout. I am also a teacher and when people ask "do you have kids?" I respond "Yes, 16." But I would love to one day answer "yes I have one of my own and 16 that i care for on a daily basis." Thank you for being so positive and uplifting. You never know when the person who is reading your blog really needs that extra positivity.
ReplyDeleteMegan how exciting!! I'll add you to the prayer list for sure! The summer is such a great time for us teachers to do all this. The FET is a piece of cake compared to the full fresh IVF so I think you will be pleasantly surprised! How many are you transferring? Exciting!!
Delete*picking my jaw up from the floor* then, *shaming myself for falling behind on your blog*, and then finally *tears streaming*.
ReplyDeleteHolly, my beautiful friend, it's okay to be guarded until the heartbeat if that's the place you need to be in... but promise me you'll start celebrating when you hear that beautiful sound? I know how hard it is to celebrate after so much pain has been inflicted, so it's okay to take a moment... but I know too many people who continue to panic throughout their entire pregnancy. It's after the beta, then heartbeat, then ultrasound, then after the first trimester, then after the anatomy scan... Could you be setting yourself up for more heartbreak my throwing yourself into celebration mode too early? It's possible. But I am a firm believer of recklessly abandoning it all and letting God take care of it all. You're pregnant! We both know that doesn't come with all the promises we once thought it would, but we also know that every milestone is a miracle and a blessing. Let's celebrate because MOMMA, you deserve it!
XOXOX
Jen
Lol you totally sound like my husband. I read him your comment and he said 'yes! I agree with her!" He is all about enjoying the moment and recklessly abandoning it all :) I just know I will have a sigh of relief once I see the fetal pole because then its like 95% chance we are going all the way :)
DeleteHi Holly,
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for a while but don't believe I have ever posted a comment. Anyway, I am praying for you and reading this post I know gives me (and I'm sure a lot of others) hope.
All the best to you-- you are so brave!
Nice to meet you! :) Thank you for the prayers!!!
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