You would think that after over 2.5 year of infertility that I would have grown numb to other people's pregnancies. I'm 29 years old. I am in the ZONE of EVERYONE and their MOTHER (yes, this happened) are getting pregnant.
I have posted several times about my process when I hear about someone pregnant.
1. First I feel jealous/annoyed and kind of a "that's not fair" attitude. Although it's easier when someone in the infertility land world gets their BFP, if I'm being 100% honest, I still get that initial kicker. We were in the same boat and now they left it. Waves of emotions come (I am NOT saying this is right, I'm aware of that. Read on).
2. Second, I feel bad that I'm jealous that something good happened to someone. I am really really nice and that first emotion is really really mean.
3. Third, guilt. I'm evil! Why am I crying that someone else got something I want? That is wrong.
4. Anger. I'm angry that infertility has created this mean cycle in me. Angry I feel guilty. Angry that something I'm trying for for so ##^^#% long comes so @#@#%% easily for someone else (or sometimes harder if its from other infertiles).
5. Sadness. Deep deep sadness. A reminder that I may never experience pregnancy. No guarantees. Again, "unfair" emotions of lucky person at least knows they will.6. Reconciliation. Reflection. Calming down. Choosing to chose to be so happy for them. So sad for me.
I know I know. It's called fertility. It's called being normal. It's called being the 9 in 10 that don't have issues. It stung me though and I don't even ever see this person. Whoosh me through my 6 step process and I'm happy for her.
The funny thing is, I'm in a lose-lose situation. As mentioned, even seeing "fellow" bloggers get pregnant is bitter-sweet. It gives me hope and happiness that they no longer suffer, but in a way it magnifies my pain. However, I say lose-lose because I'm rooting for these people too. If they are not pregnant after a treatment, I feel deep sadness for them. If they miscarry, I SOB. Like big time cry. I don't want anyone to get pregnant and I don't want anyone not too (lol, can you hear my stims talking by chance?) I found this "prayer" on a blog and had to share:
Lord, Give me Strength...
·
To keep my cool when another period starts.
·
To keep my chin up when a co-worker announces her
pregnancy.
·
To have a good relationship with my friend in spite of her
ability to conceive easily and not be jealous of her.
·
To endure my sister-in-law's comments about toilet
training.
·
To keep from crying when I see children begging on the
roads.
·
To forgive my doctor when he keeps me waiting for two
hours for a consultation - and then can't remember my name.
·
To make the right decision about treatment.
·
To maintain a good relationship with my husband in spite
of all this
I get these same emotions all the time. It just hurts. Not because we're angry at them, we're just sad it's not us. Either way, it's no fun.
ReplyDeleteSuzanne, thanks for letting me knwo I'm not alone. Perfectly sad, not angry at them, just sad not us, and NO FUN for sure. But hopefully the day our moment comes, we will be sensitive to those still in the trenches! :)
Deletei STILL feel the exact same way even though i had a baby. its 100% normal. i hope! ha
ReplyDeleteShannon, this oddly makes me feel better. I guess I spend years accepting infertility that just because I "may" have a baby at some point doesn't mean those feelings will be gone. Interesting!
ReplyDeletebut after you do have your little miracle, you will feel like you can conquer the world after what you have been thru. for me, obstacles just don't seem so big anymore. thats an entire new way of thinking for me, the eternal pessimist.
DeleteIt just plain sucks girl, but you aren't alone in feeling that way and it's totally normal. You are strong and resilient and you WILL get through this! Your time will come!
ReplyDelete