Hope-In-Oil Injection

July 11, 2013

As I near the dreaded, big, scary, creepy, long progesterone in oil shots, I'm reminded of this image I saved awhile back:

For you women who have gone through IVF, this bottle looks a lot like what Lupron and Menopur come in.  At the point, with all our failed treatments behind us, I would actually load this med up in my PIO shot and shoot it in my booty if it gave me a burst.

I haven't gotten to the hard part yet (injections-no big deal, egg retrieval-challenging, 2WW-INSANITY).  BUT so far in this cycle, I have allowed myself to hope again.  Like, all out hope.  Not to be confused fully with "expectation" but plain and simple, there is a good chance this will work. 

I could sit here and worry.  I could sit here and play back ALL the failed attempts of the past and the "what ifs" and the "then whats." But this cycle I am making a conscious effort to not be negative.  And, I'm making a conscious effort to not go down the "it probably won't work again" road.  At the end of the month I'll know and its basically a 50% chance it works and 50% chance it won't.  I might as well "waste" all my energy on the 50% it will, since they are tied.  I found this quote on someone else's blog and am trying to embrace it:

“If you get caught up in the worst case scenario and it doesn’t happen, you’ve wasted your time. And if you are caught up in the worst case scenario and it does happen, you’ve lived it twice.” -Michael J. Fox

 

 

I know for sure I don't want to live any of the negative twice.  I'm not trying to be "new age" nor have I convinced myself that my brain controls the outcome.  100% Jesus Christ does.  He is the author and finisher of life and no matter what I do/don't do, ultimately He decides.  I've been blogging long enough to see PERFECT cycle end with BFNs and really grim looking cycles end in positives.  I've seen people get "surprises" (one lady did after 6 failed IVFs and adoption), and I've see couples embrace the desire to be parents is stronger than carrying the child and find their baby that route.  God will do what He has planned but I have the choice to be fearful, doubtful and miserable OR excited, hopeful, and content.  "But Holly," one might ask, "how are you going to feel if it doesn't work again?"  But I'm asking "How will I feel if it does?"  Whether I'm horrified and depressed through this or excited and thrilled, the outcome will be the same:  Super super sad or super super happy.

 

 

Lastly, there are two Bible verses pulling me through and I thought I'd share:

 

"But me, I not giving up.  I'm sticking around to see what God will do.  I'm wanting for God to make things right.  I'm counting on God to listen to me."  -Micah 7:7 (message)

 

And

 

 

"I will not cause pain without something new being born."  Isaiah 66:9

 

This last verse is especially important to me because IF I do get pregnant from THIS cycle, the day I could hear the first heartbeat would be the same day that my baby that I miscarried would have been born. 

 

I got to go.  I'm going to take an injection of hope ;)