I have written several posts about things NOT to say to people struggling with infertility, but rarely do I experience it directly. Yes I've had the nosy "does you husband wear boxers" to "have you read ________" and of course the "I heard keeping your legs up after sex...."
At a district curriculum meeting an older Spanish teacher started up the conversation.
Her: "How's marriage? You're still in the newlywed stage right?"
Me: Well, it's almost been 4 years so kind of."
Her: "Are you guys wanting children?"
Me: (I'm prob too blunt at this point but they asked!) "We've been trying for awhile. We did IVF in the fall and had a miscarriage so we are hoping to do IVF again."
Her: "Oh sorry to hear it...you should just adopt. If you adopt you WILL become pregnant. I know two people that this has happened to." (follow by her overzealous giggle).
Me: "Can you give me a money back guarantee?" (trying to add humor but sheesh!)
The conversation ended and the meeting started. I wasn't mad at her, I get that most people don't "get it." At this point we have spent $25k on IF stuff and I don't know if we could do it all again for awhile on the high cost of adoption. It just stings and reminds me of the isolation I have from so many people who haven't had to deal with this challenge. If only "just adopting" was as easy as getting pregnant and completely satisfied the desire to carry a child (which I have not let go of yet), I promise I would be holding a baby right now.
On another thought, a fellow blogger posted an interesting article on the impact of infertility on men : http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/for-men-infertility-often-becomes-a-private-heartache/2013/06/05/049e33ca-ba6b-11e2-b94c-b684dda07add_story.html
It was a good read. It reminds us (me at least) that men have it rough too. Of course, when I'm reved up on hormones, I might get a little cynical with him because all he has to do is have an orgasm; I know its so much more. I think I often forget about their feeling of helplessness. My husband is strong on the inside and outside. For him to not be able to fix a sobbing wife I think gets to him. The article talks about how men don't really talk about their emotions/struggles with their friends. It talks about how the sperm is always called a "sample" but to us its "my future dreams." It talks about them peeling their wives off the ground after a failed treatment.
It also mentions how society always "assumes" infertility is the "woman's fault." We were with his old high school friends the other day and they started asking questions about IVF (I'm an open book about it). His friend jokingly said "Is it you Darren?" Something about a man having "bad" sperm messes with his ego I think. I jumped in "I don't ovulate on my own!" I had to defend Dar and his fish, I could take one for the team. After all, we both got "issues." Along those lines though, Darren has been taking clomid and his testosterone has gone from 138 to 440! The normal range is like 250-800 so we are hopefully making progress in case we have to try on our own again if IVF doesn't do it for us this summer (even typing it makes me anxious).
I just bought a Christian book called "Battlefield of the Mind." It really encourages people to train their brains to think positive, choose joy, fight against worry. Easier said then done but I'm so about to read that book. I need it!
so I just started an infertility support group, and we were talking about the things that people say to us that we don't want to hear, and it's def the adopt comment. one girl actually said she knows of adoption agencies that have quotes on their website of "don't seek adoption just because you want to get pregnant" and that the chances of it happening are REALLY really low, statistically. so not sure who started that rumor. grrr
ReplyDeleteI LOVE battlefield of the mind, love love!!! good stuff
Oh also, my dh took chlomid too!! your the person i've read that did the same :) have you noticed a difference in the sperm count?
I love that the adoption agency has that sign. It really is low! Ahh!
DeletePeople are their insensitive comments, I swear. Thank you for posting this, because I don't know too many with male factor (that is primarily our issue) and it helps to know others in my position. Thinking of you! We're in the middle of stimming for IVF #2. Looking forward to reading about your next cycle.
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abrinkadventure.blogspot.com
Yay for stims!! The thing that is rough is I think most the time they are really nice people and dont' realize how PAINFUL their stupid comments are! GRRR!
DeleteI try and take a similar approach as you do when people say the wrong things...I try to remember that the comment was made wtih good intentions. And then I remember that before we started our struggle...I doubt that I would have known the right thing to say either.
ReplyDeleteSo glad to hear that the clomid is working for you husband. I have a friend who found their success through that path too :o)
I agree that its good to assume the best (good intentions). My husband always has to remind me of that. Before we started our problems I was one of those that would say "Oh you had a miscarriage?? Sorry! At least you know you can get pregnant." I had a miscarriage like a year later and went back to that women (who now has a baby) and apoligized. I was trying to be optimistic at the time but didn't realize how stupid I was being!
DeleteI loved that article from the Washington Post and I def need to check out that book too. I so need to retrain my brain from all the worrying!
ReplyDeleteSeriously about the retraining! Worry can drive me inSANE! I know it doesn't change the outcome but gosh it's hard to not think about worse-casenario. Specially as time goes on :)
DeleteNow that we have chosen adoption I have been getting this so many times. I even had a guy looking at our motorcycles we are selling so I asked him if he wanted to buy one of our bikes. He said, "Do you want to buy a kid?" I know he meant it as a joke about buying one of his so I said, "Yes that is why we are selling them." He shut up after that. I really enjoy telling people it is impossible for me to get pregnant after we adopt because I'm in menopause.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Kristin this made me laugh out loud. "Im in menopause" is a great way to shut up annoying comments. Sorry that you have to hear that all the time. I cna only imagine how much that will happen if we go that route. Part of the process I guess. Ahhh.
DeleteThank you for sharing this post and the article attached. I had my husband read the article and he said it was exactly how he has felt so many times. Male infertility is something that my husband and I have often felt alone when dealing with and it is nice to know we are not alone. Inconsiderate comments have found us often in the past and it can be very difficult to not come home and melt to the floor in tears. Infertility has definitely changed my perspective on many things. We now have our miracle child and are praying for another miracle thru the help of modern technology once again. We don't get the comments any more, but we still have the same, very real feelings that come along with not being able to just get pregnant on our own.
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