Father's Day Funk

June 17, 2013

Although we have been ttc for oh, 951 days or so, Mothers Day and Fathers Day haven't really "gotten" to me till this year.  Last Mother's Day I had just had an IUI that seemed perfect and someone on the prayer team at church told me he felt like God wanted us to know "Mother's day was our day"  (he didn't know about the treatment and said he really didn't know what that meant but wanted to share).  I had more hope last Mother's Day.  Heck, once I started clomid in 2010 I thought we would be knocked up within months.  I almost cancelled the trip I had planned to Spain in summer 2012 (I started planning it in 2011) because I "just knew" chances of being pregnant with so many IUIs ahead were high.

I've almost calmed down.  I've stopped that thinking to some degree.  I try really hard to take one day at a time.  However, when you find yourself shooting up in the Olive Garden bathroom (not crack, lupron) it's really hard not to wonder about the future, and then worry.

When our FET failed, I booked a cruise to the Caribbean to "get out."  I was happy we would be missing mother's day.  It was my younger sister's "first" and my grandma was in town.  I just didn't like the idea of talking about moms.  I feel like I am becoming an OBESE, SMELLY, AWKWARD, elephant in the room.  Although others may not think it, I do and thats no fun.

I didn't really see "Father's Day" hitting me the way it did.  I'm on an long IVF protocol and have to take Lupron injections FOREVA and for some reason the Lupron this round is making me nuts.  I mean like every emotion I feel is just super intense.  If it's sad, I'm heartbroken.  If it's happy, I'm giddy.  If its worried, I'm horrified.  I can feeeeel the emotions. Basically everything is a bit "biggger" than normal.

Anyways, we haven't even gotten through Father's Day with my side of the fam, but we celebrated with Darren's.  The fathers in this group include:  Darren's dad, and our brother-in-law Mike.  Michael and Darren's sister struggled with IF for years but now have a 2 year old daughter and are pregnant with a boy.  We go out to eat at this crab shack place.  We arrived with Darren's parents and the waiter almost instantly puts on a #1 Dad Bib on the father in law.  Okay.  I'm used to this.  But when Michael showed up a bit latter, and got one two, I suddently felt so isolated.  I wanted Darren to have one.  Bad.  I really really wanted Darren to have a bib that said #1 Dad.  It was obvious we had no children.   Now remember, this round of Lupron injections is making my emotions X 10.  I basically held back tears that Darren didn't have the right to wear the bib.  Am I totally insane? 

To make matters worse, I was asked if I had had all my hormones checked.  This is one of the situations were people are genuially trying to be nice and caring and helpful but it reved me up.  Of course I've had all my hormones checked.  To be on the verge of doing my 10th IF procedure, I guarantee you I know what's up (and down) with my hormones. 

Darren had a headache so I drove our new (to us) mini-suv that we bought for kids, back home.  And I didn't hold back the tears.  I felt better when I got home, but as the years go by and the families grow, I'm going to have to come up with a way of dealing with Fathers/Mothers day.  Ah!

On another note, at my inlaws church there was a quote that said:

"Delay may not mean denial.  Keep praying."

This little quote was JUST what I needed.  I have so many failed attempts behind me, I get stuck on what to say, to even mess with praying, on hoping.  But then it hit me.  Yes, God could ultimately say "You shall not bear child" and I would have to pray for peace and move forward.  But we are not there yet.  Maybe, just because it hasn't happened, may not mean it's denied. 

Jesus, I pray for all the women who are reading this who are in a boat similar to mine. I pray for all of us.  For a new breath of hope.  To have the will power to keep asking to keep dreaming.  To accept your will and that it be clear to us.  Give us strength each day in each high and low.  Help us look forward and not back.  Help us anticipate the things to come and cling to your promises that you work all things together for good for those that love you.