The Waiting Room

March 2, 2013

 First off, it feels so exciting to see the date March 2nd!  I have been waiting for March for a very long long time.  March 2nd means that March 8th is only SIX days away.  March 2nd means I'm only 16 days away from an answer.  Oh God, be with me.

Yesterday I had to go in for an "lining" check.  I had to sit in the waiting room for a little longer than normal.  I decided to avoid the pregnancy magazines and read Twilight in Spanish.  I couldn't help but notice the other women around me in the waiting room.  What was their story?  Did they have the excitement of their first consultation with all the hope ahead?  Was this their 2nd, 3rd, 4th try?  A couple came out, in tears.  They looked late 30's or early 40's.  Both crying.  I wonder if they just had an ultrasound.  A sickening feeling filled me.  This is real.  This is dealing with deep deep dreams.  This is dealing with life.  Creation.  This process can bring incredible joy or numbing pain.  50% feel the first. 50% feel the second.  The waiting room to me means so much more than the little office at OHSU that I have to sit in.  The waiting room represents the majority of our baby making efforts.  Waiting. 

When they got me back, I was in the transfer room and could actually see the lab door.  Behind it are my dreams.  My loves.  The beginning of our family.  In a freezer! What a strange feeling.  I was alone with them in a sense.  The RE came in shortly after and was super quick and said my lining looks perfect so I'm good to go on the 8th.  I had to practically grab his coat to ask about the frozen embryos.

We have four but I'm not sure what the de-thaw survival rate is there.  I asked the nurse and she said to ask the embryologist.  We want to dethaw 2 but if one doesn't survive, we will probably just dethaw the other 2 and put all 3 in (these are the lowest quality ones).  I really had no idea how this would go down.  Does it take a long time to de frost?  Dr. said it only takes 30 minutes so on Friday we will make the decision.

Of course our desire is that the best 2 survive and we can keep last 2 for future use, but it's literally in God's hands.  Darren is horrified to transfer 3, but I see no point in leaving just 1 frozen.   He he he.  3 years ago at my wedding I don't think I ever thought we would have the talk about what to do with our frozen ninos. :)

On a cuter note, I watched my 4 month year old nephew Ryker for my sister last night and it was a good reminder that babies are hard work. I LOVe my parent's puppy and my little Ryky, and I caught this moment of both of them staring at me.  Sweeeeeeet.

Today I had to start the PIO shots.  The #$$^#^#freakishly huge big ones.  I actually held back tears because the Lupron ones are so small compared to this one and I got scared.  It was fine, just creepy.  It doesn't even hurt going in and I do it to myself.  It was symbolic to though because it means we are close!  So for now, I'm in the "waiting room" but time moves forward and before I know it we will have our answer:  Pregnant or God has a different time/plan.  PLEASE God let it be the first.