The Letter Sums it Up

March 19, 2013

When I texted the bad news to friends and family I asked them not to respond.  I just couldn't handle 80 trillion "we are praying for you" and "it will happens" in that moment.  My mother-in-law, respecting my request, sent a sweet message to Darren.  Last night I emailed her this and after writing it thought, hey, that's a blog post.  It's a huge emotion and it's honest.  In my heart I know "this too shall pass" but come on people, I'm 2 days ahead of a 50% chance that the land of infertility would release me from her evil grasp.  Here's the letter:

Diane,

Darren read me your text and it was so sweet. I'm kind of in the "indifferent" "numb" "anger" "why does prayer ever matter" zone. So many people prayed and so many are praying for us and I'm kind of like whatever.

I obviously know this is wrong (don't worry, Darry didn't marry a heathen) and I know deep in my heart God is good no matter what. But right now I have a lot of fear and frustration. We will do IVF and this horrifies me because I know what that means. Super spendy meds that make me gain weight and kill my ovaries, egg retrieval surgery, and then that dreaded 10 day wait in between. It's all ahead. With no guarantees. That's scary. And for things to go so smoothly for it to be negative? frustrating.

I get annoyed too when people say maybe it's a timing thing (although it could be) because MOST women are fertile and Heidi's friends are freaking planning the MONTH they want get pregnant with 2nd child. Oh the luxury. I'm annoyed to because its an honest and humble and selfless prayer. Wanting a child is not greedy like give me a ton of money or a nice car or etc. I know its hard to be a mom and parent and pregnancy and the worst part is God PUT it in us to want it so bad. Heart deferred makes the heart sick and my heart is super sick.

I'm better off than I thought. For some reason I knew it was going to be negative. I felt it in my heart. I was so down all day Saturday dreading the results I knew I'd get Sunday. When I took the test my heart was pumping so hard that my arm was literally pulsating with it when I dipped in the test.

God has not directly told me or anyone I will give birth someday. I know I'll be a mom. Right now adoption doesn't bring peace, but I know that if that is the road He wants us to take, He will change our hearts. But YUcKy to be in this zone.

Sorry to be vomiting on paper, just wanted to check in with you and kind of I guess update you on the process. I get to talk to dr. tomorrow and we will talk future plans. they might try something different or we might pay extra to get embryos genetically tested to make sure they are healthy (maybe something is wrong since they are not implanting). It's annoying though because according to the textbook, from at least what they can see, the embryos were super high quality.

I love you and I'm sorry you have to watch us go through this. You have an amazing son and he is perfect in supporting me through this. Ive been a little bitter and crying and high and low and he remains stable and loving. Thank God I at least have him, many women my age don't even have that so they can't worry about child bearing.

anyways, rant over. Thank you for being so loving and supportive too.

Holly

*side note, although it's hard for me to even whisper a prayer, I heard this song on the radio the day after the bad news, and I felt like my broken spirit couldn't have said it better.