With the miscarriage it was hard. I had to basically wait 3 months to even start up again. The fact that I don't ovulate on my own was annoying because I knew I couldn't "try" till March.
My RE called me today and told me since it was just a FET, I can start the fresh immediately!! Like, from this failed cycle period I'm wating for and instantly get all geared up again. I was sure they would tell me to take a month off and then try in late April. At that point, if I could handle the WAITTTTTTING then I would try to stay strong and wait till June when I'm not working (but if I can do it sooner??)
In the meantime out of our emotional high and lows, before even talking to the RE, Darren and I booked a 6 day cruise to the Caribbean on (read in scary voice) Carnival's newest ship for May 5th. I told my RE this and he was like "let's try to get the egg retrieval and transfer done before then." I was tempted. Almost sad I booked the cruise. But there is no way in H-E-double-hockey-sticks I am going to be going through that dreadful 2ww in the Bahamas. Heck to the no.
So basically, he is cool with us going "old school" this month. Yes, you heard that right. I'm going to take good old faithful femera to ovulate on my own. At least I feel like there is a small chance and that we are truly trying. Darren's sperm has crappy morphology but there are 6% normal ones. Why not go back to the basics for a month? Can't wait to get that little heartwarming smile from the clear blue ovulation kit.
Assuming from experience that this cycle won't miraculously happen, then I can start the IVF protocol late April (aka birth control) shoot my little bod up with lupron while I drink pina coladas on the ship and then come back and stim it up. Loosly meaning we could know by June if IVF #3 let the "odds be in foreva in our favor" (read in Hunger Game accent).
He mentioned doing a "freeze all" if my estrogen levels are high again and I instantly felt panic. I got pregnant on a fresh, NOT on a frozen. Their success rates on ART website for 2011 were only like 35% for FETs. He said that over the last 2 quarters FET rates are as high as 50% (it actually made me feel a little bit worse our snow babies didn't behave well but whatever).
So, in the wise words of Tupac I can sit here and obsess forever and stare at all the missing pieces and wonder why and how or I can move the @#%%@%@ on. It's amazing how much the human spirit can take when the heart has already made a decision on what it wants, stopping at nothing.
First, I'm so sorry I didn't comment on your BFN post. I actually read it the other nite right before I went to bed, I took a huge gasp and just put my phone down and proceeded to pray. Having been thru infertility myself for quite some time, I STILL struggle to find the right thing to say. I almost hated to see people say those things that are supposed to be uplifting, but just aren't at the time...they mean well, but hearing that it WILL happen one day sounded so far fetched for me...and furthermore, how do they know that?? I actually did a post one time about how nice it would be if people just said "this is crappy, how awful, I can't imagine how you must feel"...instead of all the positive stuff! So with all of that said, I still really don't know what to say. I know how deeply and badly you two want this, and NEED this. The fear of the possibility of "never" is something so overwhelming it can't ever be put in words. I pray that "never" is not in your future, I pray that "miracle" IS in your future. It's so hard to understand the why's, we never will. I do think good things do (mostly in hindsight) come of waiting, come of patience, come of trials...but in the midst, it's the hardest thing to bear. It's heartbreaking and full of anxiety and fear...it's NOT fair. I know, without a doubt, God has a beautiful plan for your life...part of it just hasn't been revealed yet. I admire your strength and determination...please try and keep that up, that will get you through. Anything amazing and beautiful and of God's creation is worth fighting for :) I'm over here pulling for you, and we all understand where you are coming from...so please continue to be transparent with us and use your little space here to let it OUT :) XOXO
ReplyDelete