As we all know, pregnancy announcements can be tough. I'm usually "cool" with infertile people finally getting pregnant as it give a glimmer of hope, but although 90% of the world has the luxury of getting pregnant when they feel like it, I still get shocked and stung with announcements. I have WAY too many "friends" on facebook. One girl I have probably talked to twice in my life posted her positive pregnancy test with something that said "we got the best news of our lives 3 months ago". I remembered when I got that news 5 months ago.
The hardest part about the post was it was a clear blue digital. You know the make. It reads "pregnant" or "not pregnant." It was the same exact one that I read on Sunday morning but her image was the one I so incredibly desperately wished I could have seen. For some reason this stupid image made me feel like someone just kicked me in the stomach. I've been at this for 2 years. I'm a veteran with BFN and pregnancy EVERYWHERE but ouch today.Yesterday at a staff meeting they were talking to the online Spanish teacher my age and asked if she wants to be back in the classroom (my ears perked up because I SOO want her job if we get pregnant). She said "I want to be back in the classroom but we are going to have a baby in 6 months" all the women smile/gasp/freak out and ask "YOU'RE PREGNANT??"" She smiles and responds, "No, no. We plan to get pregnant in six months." I had to swallow puke. Oh the luxury.
And my poor husband. I can "turn it on" at work and be my happy self. I've actually probably been a better teacher lately because I can focus more on it then during IVF crap. But I'm a zombie at home. No desire to have sex. No desire to have fun. I want to be sad and angry (just for awhile) and he has to have a sucky wife. He told me hat being depressed is a choice. I mostly agreed but I feel depressed right now due to injury. I still have to shed the lining. I have to deal with the "aftermath" of the injections. I feel like I'm been punched 38 times. It's different. This emotion is not a choice, it's an injury. But injuries heal. The bruises will fade, the period will pass, the sun will rise again.
When Darren and I broke up years ago, I was in such a similar place. Hopeless and broken. I found a great Christian counselor. I called him today. Thank Jesus for help.
Today I volunteered to help out at the "knowledge bowl meet" at the middle school (helping out a friend) and one of the answers to the questions was the quote "Time heals all wounds." Isn't that the truth? I know in my heart, this will pass, it's just I have to WAIT for time to move on. And it will.
Hi! I’ve been reading your blog for a while and wanted to let you know that you are not alone. We’ve been TTC for nearly 4 years and I have seen many BFNs during that time. It is easy for someone to say – cheer up – especially when you’re down and it is hard to see/ hear all the pregnancy announcements. Just know that I’m rooting that you’ll get a BFP soon. It always seems that the women that would make the best mothers are not given that gift and the crazy ones are.
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