The Forever Pregnant Sister

February 10, 2013

I have blogged about the "evilness" of facebook before.  It's so Murphy's law that on the day I find out I'm having a miscarriage, or after dealing with a negative pregnancy test, to log on in and see all kinds of cute pregnancy announcements.  Don't get me wrong.  I get that 90% of the living world is pregnant.  I'm 29.  I'm right in that "zone" of when friends, acquaintance, and everyone and their mother are getting pregnant.  And since I'm sensitive to it, I see it more, hear it more, and it stings. 

My poor husband has gone as far as to almost not tell me about close friends and pregnancies for a long time until he thinks its a "good day."  I always say, Darren, I get most people can get pregnant, then I have to swallow really hard and accept it.  However, just last month I was telling him the one's that would actually be hard for me is my sister (who just had a kid in November) and my sister in law (she dealt with IF for years and had a kid 2 years ago). 

My sister gave me the warning that they want to pop em out (that was always my "plan" too) and that they hope to be pregnant again this year.  And last night I got the call that my sister in law is pregnant.

I've also talked a lot about the mixed emotion crazy combustion that comes with all this, but allow me to explain:

1.  Shock, for some reason, I thought I was in a "win-win." Each family just has one grandchild so I thought either way I have the chance to bring in the first "boy" (on husbands side) or first girl on ours.  2.  Happiness.  They really wanted at least 2 kids so their daughter can have a sibling/playmate.  3. Jealousy.  They got pregnant naturally.  4.  Anger.  Why do I have to deal with all of this right before my own IVF.  More pressure.  Why God?  5.  Guilt.  Why am I angry and why am I jealous?   That's mean. And honestly, it's not my nature at all so I feel even worse.  Like a bad person. 6. Fear.  Oh God, what if it's never me? What if I never can announce.  What if I'm never in the delivery room.  7.  Dread.  I just made it through watching one sister's belly grow and having to see the joy it brings my parents.  I survived it all while failing month after month.  Round 2 is just about to start.  Conversations will be around maternity clothes and diapers while all i can do is talk about my stupid cat and watch on a normal basis a little baby develop, hear about the kicks, and the nursery, and the name ideas, etc.  Here comes round 3 of everyone saying in a highly obnoxious voice "congrats on becoming an aunt." 8.  Sadness.  I want this more than life.  9.  Physical numbness.  This surprised me.  But I went to lay in the bed and I actually felt tingly and numb.  I kind of felt apathetic, like I didn't care about anything. 

The SIL did the best thing possible by telling me gently on the phone.  She feels bad for leaving the "infertility" team because she knows I'm still stuck in that hell.  She is praying for us and rooting for us.  She did it all right in handling the situation.  The sad thing is, I could actually be "normal" and "thrilled" if I wasn't dealing with this IF monster.  Infertility has robbed me of being a nice person to give pregnancy announcements to and that's sad too.

What do you get when you add up and mix all these things?  I don't know, but I know my heart feels terrible, my eyes are puffy, and I don't feel good.  I know I will survive.  This won't kill me.  But holy @#$#%#%#@ it's hard.