Eventually

February 26, 2013

When Darren and I had our miscarriage in December, I remembered a little bracelet I had seen online that says "Eventually."  We bought it.

Eventually is such a strong word.  Way better than NEVER and more powerful than MAYBE.  Eventually is the attitude of "when" over "if." 

Unfortunately, although I love God with all my heart, I am not one of those people who "just know" I'll be pregnant someday.  I was the same with marriage.  I hoped I'd get hitched but I never had that "peace" that it would happen.  I wish I had that kind of faith but I'm such a realist sometimes.  My husband on the other hands is claiming God told him, but he has that I just know feeling that I will carry a child. 

Eventually helps my attitude.  It boosts my faith.  It helps that scary hope that I try to hide alive.  Gosh, I hate hope sometimes.  I was talking to a friend who just bought her first house, it's like their dream house.  Right when she thought it was a done-deal she almost lost the loan.  She was heartbroken and didn't want to start-again.  Her husband said he didn't want to start again because the next time it would be tainted (tainted tainted tainted echos through my head).  He went on to say that now they know the pain of losing their dream, they will be scared the next time something good comes along (side note, God worked it out and they got that home).  But the conversation lingered in my heart for a bit.

I feel like infertility alone "taints" the joy to some degree.  I've always dreamed of being able to SURPRISE my mom/dad/family/friends in some cute exciting way.  A. won't happen because now they know we are doing IVF/treatments B.  Because of the miscarriage, I'm not going all out to announce a pregnancy.  I envy those that get to.  They are like my friend who got the first house she went after.  They are like my sister and sister in law-they see a pregnancy test and they automatically are pumped/excited; of course they are cautious till the "safe zone" but they are not "tainted." 

However, with all that said, I guess the bigger question is WHO CARES?  Ya, sure, I'm a little blue that I can't announce pregnancy with this virgin-like excitement.  I'm sad it's not how I planned.  I'm sad I'll be freaked out of my mind for a long time if it happens.  But at the end of the day, if I'm holding that child?  Everything else seems so minute.

Eventually.  I know adoption doesn't cure infertility, it cures the need to parent. If that's God's plan it will happen eventually.   I still have 3 IVF attempts, it that's God's plan, it will happen.  Eventually.

Today as I continue to trust God, lay down my fears, seek peace and even brave allowing a limited amount of hope, I'm going to look at my bracelet, take the deepest breath I can, and read Eventually.