Angels and Protocols

January 17, 2013

First off, about a week ago my sister in law called me and told me about her medifast coach who had gone through FOURTEEN years of infertility.  This coach is actually a woman I use to babysit for when I was a teenager.  She is a strong Christian and wanted to reach out to me, and reach out she did.

She met up with me for coffee and brought my a "faith gift."  She shared her story and for the first time, I felt like I was finally talking to a live human being who fully "gets it."  IF is so isolating even with the terminology.  My SIL thought the embryo transfer was called the "implantation" (I wish).  Most people don't even know what an embryo is while I, am obsessed.  In fact, last night in the hot tub a bubble floated by and I thought "HEY!  That looks like and embryo!"  (only infertiles understand).  I was telling my mom that I read this quote that says something along the lines of "you can hear me, but you can't understand me."  I have felt that way often. 

Anyways, this woman was one of the first even to do IVF in the US (she did it in the 80's) and was featured on 20/20.  The first try she got pregnant with triplets only to have ALL THREE result in blighted ovums like mine.  Round 2 she had to cancel cycle due to OHSS.  Round 3 with only 2 "lower level" embryos is when she conceived her daughter.  Through her testimony, it was amazing to see how God had clearly weaved His love into her life.

It was also nice hearing HER say the things that kill people going through issues.  "I wasn't even trying" to the 100th baby shower, to jealously/pain mixed with joy when friends/family get pregnant.  She "went there" with addressing the fact that my little sister has a 3 month year old while I have empty arms.  I couldn't help but tell her my most recent "encounter..."

I was selling tickets at our high school basketball game and a sweet-hearted kind woman I work with couldn't wait to tell me she is going to have (read in a really super crazy happy perky voice) ANOTHER grandbaby (her son had a kid like 7 months ago).  Then she went on (repeat reading in even happier, crazy, perkier voice) and they WEREN'T EVEN TRYING!!!  I wish I could say I feel to the ground thrilled or laughing or returning the enthusiam but holding back tears I was like (fake happy voice) that's wonderful!   This is such a good example of why this crap is isolating.  I was hurt by a woman who did NOTHING wrong.  She has every right to be thrilled to be grandma 2 but it still stung.  My sister has the right to adore her baby, but it can still hurt.  My mom has the right to tell me weird stories about her grandchild making cute gurgles, there is nothing wrong at all, but yet, I still hate it.  It makes you feel evil and it turns you into a pro fake-smiler.

Darren, my husband, often reminds me that God doesn't waste time and that perhaps is allowing all this pain/waiting/infertility all to help a younger want-to-be-mom- down the road.  I think God knows who is super strong and who can handle it (and of course, He give us what we need to survive).

One of my favorite moments with her was when I said, "Thanks for making time for me."  Her response was "Someone once made time for me."  It was this beautiful "pay it forward"moment.  I couldn't help but imagine years ago, her husband saying, "someday you will help a wanna-be-mom-"

And help she did.  The faith gift was a little outfit for a boy and girl.  She asked me to leave them in a place where I can see them and EVERYDAY to thank God for what He is orchestrating in the future. She said that she had prayed that God would use her as a 'dispenser of hope."  Her prayer was so answered!  She also promised to pray for me daily, to have hope when I don't, and to not stop until I call her with news of a viable pregnancy.  I walked out feeling hope...a feeling I lost with the
miscarriage.



Now onto protocol!!  OHSU called me today and here is the tentative plan:

Jan 19-Feb 10th  Birth Control Pill

February 1- Start the lovely LUPRON injections

Feb 15-first ultrasound

Late February start some estrogen pill (1 a day and increase to 3 a day)

Start the Holy *(^^*(&^&%% injections (Progesterone in oil)

and, drum roll please.......

March 8th is the ETA for my frozen embryos to reunite with my body!! 

It still seems so far, but knowing a date in my head makes me excited!  I'm sure the fears/nervousness/doubt will come in but today I felt hope.