I'm Engaged!

November 15, 2012

Okay, I've been married for 3 years.  BUT, my mind is BLOWN with how similar a "positive pregnancy test" is to a wedding ring.  My sister and I were just having this conversation.

When Darren gave me the wedding ring, I knew the plan was to get married in 6 months.  I had six months to prepare, to plan, to dream.  BUT, many many many engagements end for whatever reason: doubt, fear, timing, insecurity, infidelity, realization, etc.  It's not a guaranteed deal till it's official and I hear those sweet words "I know pronounce you man and wife."  I had an amazing engagement and am blessed with an awesome marriage.  But it would be a lie if I didn't have that little fear creep in that the dream could end, that a date was "set" but not fully 100% going to happen.

Many people warned me that pregnancy is the same.  I think, at least in the beginning, people pursuing ART have it worse.  I mean, when all my friends and sister got the positive hpt, that was it.  They celebrated among close friends and family, rejoiced, and of course looked forward to (and some still nervous) the 9 week ultrasound. 

But with me, it almost feels as if someone told me Darren will propose tomorrow.  Tomorrow is when I go in for the 2nd BETA to make sure it doubles.  If it doesn't double, that's bad.  Most women don't go through this, although they can miscarry, they accept that they are pregnant and move on.  But IVFers and IUIers have lots of mini steps.

I cried when I saw the positive pregnancy test.  I have been fearing for over 11 years I would never experience that moment. 

BUT, when the nurse called to tell me congrats, she was calm.  She said I need to come in tomorrow for the second blood test.  When I got off the phone with here, there wasn't the relief I was expecting.  There was  my automatic "what if."  I have got to completely let go and trust God and know that at this point, I'm on cruise control, but it's bittersweet.  I want to celebrate but I'm in dread of tomorrow. I am so used to NEGATIVE tests (I mean come on EIGHT failed IUIs).

Even when I called to tell my close friends the update it wasn't a celebration.  It was a cautious one step at a time congrats.  Which is healthy and safe...but kind of sad.

Infertility impacts women on both sides of the coin.  PLEASE understand I'm not complaining, I'm just not celebrating, at least not yet.  Tomorrow when I get the BETA, if it's good, I'm going to let go of my held breath.

I follow some awesome blogs.  I'm really inspired by a fellow blogger named Jen (http://theinconceivablehousewife.blogspot.com/).  She pondered keeping her pregnancy a secret till the official 12 week mark but realized, in this moment she is pregnant and she is going to embrace and celebrate each day God gives her with the baby. 

After tomorrow, that will be my new goal.  One day at a time, enjoying the pregnancy and not fearing it.  I think we will tell our families after all.  I want mom and dad and the in laws to get to experience the joy too, come what may.

The funny thing is, another fellow blogger (http://ababyinthemakingihope.blogspot.com/) pointed out, the worrying  over our children will never stop.  It starts with did the embryos stick, to is there a heartbeat to is everything okay with the baby, to them being born.  When they are actually walking around, I've heard its like "your heart outside your body."  I guess the other part better get used to worrying for them and training my mind to turn that to prayer.

Until tomorrow, I feel like I just found out Darren bought the ring.  If the numbers are good, let the 9 month engagement begin.