I Want to Meet Them So Bad

November 8, 2012

When I got the egg transfer on Sunday they handed me some "post" instructions.  They said to come back in 10 days (Nov 14) for the Beta blood test.  The paper warned that this may feel like a "prolonged" amount of time.  No @$#%#%^@#^%.

At first I was like, ha!  Ten days?  Piece of cake.  Heck, I've been sticking myself since October 8th, what's 10 measly days?

It's only been 4 days since the transfer and I'm in that crazy zone.  I know I know that HE is the author and finisher and God already knows the outcome, but I don't.  I keep reminding myself to turn my fears to prayers my worries to requests, my doubt to hope.

Google is an evil creature.  I've googled "eye twitch" (but this has been going on since the beginning of IVF), sore legs (my calves are sore), cramps, how early YOU tested on a hpt, etc.  Some are great stories, some are sad.

In a day, I range from I know this isn't it, I'm horrified (it's almost a tough mechanism you develop when you have seen X amount of negative pregnancy tests, guard the hope), but then I'll range to pure excitement, 2 perfect embryos, just 6 more days till I know!  I must be pregnant I just must.  But then, the clinic is only 50%...my brain is a yo yo and my heart is on a roller coaster.  Nobody in the world can make Wednesday come quicker.  I must pay the full 24 hour a day time.

Then I start thinking about Wednesday.  Do I dare take a hpt in the morning to help me "prepare" for come what may?  If it's positive, I'll lose my breath, if it's negative my heart will sink.  I'm really afraid for the pain I know it will bring.  Don't get me wrong, I won't dwell on it.  I'll think about the frozen embryos, the more tries ahead in the near future.  I'll think about all these amazing women that go through this more than once.  But the joy?  Out of this world.  I want it so bad.  I get stuck on that too.  Buying a crib, telling our families!! So crazy how some news can bring such intensely different feelings based on the outcomes. 

The sun rises and the sun sets.  Wednesday will come.  Oh God, grant me the peace I need to make it through.  Grant all of us the peace to wait. 

To my sweet babies:

  I already love you more than anyone can imagine loving little specks the size you are.  But right now, you are real lives.  You are inside me.  And if Jesus takes you sooner than I hope, I'm cherishing these 10 days of KNOWING you are with me, in my stomach and in my heart.  I love you both so much and I pray that sometime I can see you.  Hold you.  Touch you.  I want our house to be full of your laughter.  I want to know you both so bad.  I place you in His hands and say let his will be done.  But know how bad you are wanted. How hard  we are fighting for you.  I love you and I'm going to enjoy the next 6 days with you inside me.  Hang out.  Be strong!  You were the strongest.  Cling on, fight for us too!  We want to meet you so much sweet sweet children of mine.  Hang in there.