Panic Attack #1

October 13, 2012

I've been doing really well.  I had a pretty bad "Lupron" headache Monday-Wednesday but started to notice it going away Friday.  The injections have been fine...I get a little nervous right before giving the injection, but it's not horrible yet.  Tonight I get to get off birth control pills then another week of Lupron injections.  I go in this Friday to see if everything is "calm." If so, I'll start stemming on the 20th.

Yesterday I ran into an old friend who has gone through IVF a few times.  I asked for the honest truth about the progesterone-in-oil-shot (the big one), and she, a very calm and level person replied, "oh, you mean the mother FU*%#* shot?"  She said the first one feels like you get punched, and then it gets better.

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep.  I kept thinking about the many more injections I have left, how I'm going to "run out" of spots on my stomach to stick the needles, how I will bruise.  I haven't ordered all the medication and I started having half dreams of them not being here or them not working right.  I woke up yelling for Darren to come back and pray for me (he was still up).  I was crying.  "What if it doesn't work."

I'm going to be honest.  Raw. I believe 100% in faith and God.  I believe HOPE triumphs fear.  But I'm human.  Fear is normal.  I'm just going to verbally throw up my fears and try to move on and continue on it hope.  To force myself to remain positive, I'm going to do what my mom calls the "BUT" statement to each fear.  Here they are in order:

1.  #1 Most obvious fear is "what if it doesn't work?"
BUT, I know the plans I have for you says the Lord, plans to prosper you...not to harm you.  IF it doesn't work, I will be sad, BUT I trust God and all He does and it means there is something better down the road. And, because it's only 50-60% odds of success, that is why we are buying 4 attempts.

2.  Miscarriage.  I  read so many BFP stories after IVF all to find out that there is not heartbeat at 6 weeks.  I know I can't "live" with this fear if I get pregnant, but I am scared.
BUT, 90% of pregnancies do not end in miscarriage.

3.  Egg retrieval canceled due to low egg production and/or no embryos being formed after ICSI
BUT, the doctors said this only happens 5% of the time, and they said since I'm young, this would be rare.

4.  The egg-retrieval.  I've never had anesthesia.  I haven't had to give myself an enema.  I've never had a needle up there.
BUT, several people go through IVF and anesthesia on a daily basis.  They survive.  So will I.

5.  Not having frozen embryos left.
BUT, it just takes one embryo to have a baby.

6.  The "BIG" 2 week wait.
BUT, the time will pass.  Time always does.

7.  Throwing up.
This has been a crippling fear of mine.  I know it's nuts, but its a full blown phobia.  I haven't been sick with flu since I was 8.  I'm 29 in 10 days.  I'm horrified. But, it won't kill me.

8.  The progesterone in oil HOLY $h*& shot.
But, I might be pregnant!!

9.  Getting OHSS and all the side effects that naturally come with these injections like crazy bloating.
But, I only stem 10-12 days.

10.  The payments on the $16,500 loan.
But, God has provided us with good jobs and He will provide this.