Many women have referred to the infertility trap as "infertility hell." The longer this goes, the longer I understand that. It's a horrible place to live. Lots of fears. Lots of emotions. A lot of pain. I have actually read women on blogs and community message boards calling their BFPs an "escape" or "ticket" out of infertility hell.
I'm about to buy one. Or at least try. They run about 16k ;). I was so annoyed today talking to a variety of insurance companies (we are in open enrollement). I called to see if HSA would cover IVF. After being on hold for 2o minutes she got back on the phone and said "You know,invitro costs around $20,000." Seriously???? An insurance agent who didn't even know what IVF stood for is telling me this as if I had no clue?
I take a really low dosage of anxiety medicine but got of of it for the summer in case it could interfere with getting pregnant. I've been fine until now (arrival of period). My period is really cruel because it literally stopped and started TWICE before fully arriving, jerking me around with hope and then sadness and then hope. It must be the lack of the anxiety pill, mixed with the end of summer, mixed with all the questions about money and IVF and such.
However, we don't feel "peace" about the adoption route yet. I take it as IVF is next.
I cried so hard I almost threw up. Just because I'm scared to do IVF and more scared not to. I'm mentally in a place where I want to do it this second. I want to know the results yesterday.
Today I called OHSU and set up the $405 consultation appt for September 10th. This is really happening. In a perfect world, I would be able to get testing done this month and do IVF next month and find out by mid-November. In reality, I might have to wait a month due to scheduling. Just getting an appt on the calendar lowers a little anxiety (but somehow increases it too).
In the meantime, I'm working with Kaiser to do one more BIG IUI (I'll do the trigger shot again). It would be SO FREAKING COOL if this IUI worked, but I have realistic expectations.
We will talk with financial people but it looks like we will buy the package with 1 fresh 1 frozen or 2 fresh 2 frozen. Having a timeline and a plan will help my TYPE A personality.
I remember when my husband and I first had the IVF talk. I prayed every night for some kind of answer, hoping God would just pop down next to me and tell me what to do. At the time I was so angry and hurt by him because I thought how unfair it was that we were having to go down this road. We went to church that weekend and they told us the stories of Caleb and Jeremiah. How much they went through and how they still held their faith. It was a real kick in the butt. They would through even harder times and never questioned him. I think it was Gods way of showing me that he is here to walk by my side throughout the whole journey. It is amazing how he shows up when we least expect him too.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with whatever you decide. We start our first IVF round this week, so let me know if you have any questions! I love reading your blog!
Kristin, as mentioned on your blog, I LOVE the Caleb and Jeremiah connection. Thanks. Praying for YOU with the IVF!!
DeleteI'm praying for you lovely. IVF is a tough, tough road... but when it's successful it is worth it. I'm praying for your husband, for him to be all the support you need and understand your emotions in such a crazy time. I'm praying for you to get positive results the very first time and have this pain be in the past. I will be following your blog, and am here for any questions you may have. With 2 rounds of IVF I'm not an expert, but I think I could help. :)
ReplyDeleteThank you soo soo much Jen! I feel like I have a "local" celebrity commenting on my page since I've been following your journey for a while. So excited for your little poppyseeds!!
Deletejust saw your timeline, i have pcos as well
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