Kickball

June 23, 2012

Well, here I am almost at the end of yet another 2 week wait.   I've been fairly "sane" this round and realistic.  Last night I had some cramping (I've had it on and off since IUI) and had a small melt down.  The emotions of trying not to read into every sign but expecting there to be blood every time I go to the bathroom and then hoping there isn't can drive you mad.  I'm sooo jealous of people that don't even know what a 2 week wait is/means.  Lucky!

Last night I was feeling so down!  Kind of the "don't know how much longer I can take this" feeling.  I decided to spend some time in prayer and worship.  I pulled out my old journal from when I did YWAM in Costa Rica and saw the reminder "Kickball."

Kickball is  a video by Rob Bell that made a lasting impression on me then about my "singleness" but couldn't have been more appropriate for where I am in this exact moment.

To sum it up, Rob Bell talks about how he is at a mall Kiosk and there is this crazy ball toy with a string that is pretty dumb/slightly dangerous.  His 2 years old really wanted it and started screaming "I want it, I want it" and even when on to "I NEED it." 

Rob Bell talks about the father's perspective and that he as the dad had a different view than the kid.  The toy could hurt him, frustrate him, tangle up around his wrist.  The little boy gave the dad the look "but I thought you loved me." 

Rob Bell takes the son across the street and buys him a kickball.

He goes on to explain how frustrated we get when God doesn't answer our prayers.  When we fill like we NEED it (ie a baby now!).  He reminds us that God is good.  We have to truly truly believe this.  And if we do, then all He can do is good.  If He isn't answering something right now, its because He sees something we don't.

I sobbed and sobbed.  I don't understand why this journey is so long and hard for us, but I do know that God is in control and that I must trust Him.

If you have 10 minutes, watch the video.  If you are frustrated for any reason and waiting for answers from God, this will change you.

Hot Tubs Kill Babies

June 12, 2012

There are sooo many oldwives tales, chinese herbs, advice, options, blogs, differing doctors, etc that drive a girl crazy.

I was super panicked because my temp rised the morning I got the IUI.  Here are the "responses" I've gotten:

1.  The infertility nurse that did the IUI said "you should still come in, the egg lives for up to 12 hours after spike."  She then told me not to read blogs but to trust the site/book "Taking Control of your Fertility."

2.  This site/book actually said that once you get the temp spike, its too late.

3.  So I emailed my own OBGYN and she said that yes, this second IUI was probably too late due to temp spike and recommended getting monitored next cycle.

4.  Then another nurse (that did IUI #1 this cycle) wrote me and said "Why are you temping?  The opk replaces that so don't stress." 

5.  Then, I crossed into forbidden google land.  Ranging from YOUR EGG IS DEAD (boo) to It could live up to 24 hours after spike, I'm more confused than ever.  One lady on a mommy want to be forum said she got pregnant the day her temp spiked and she got an IUI (yay!)

Insane how many different opinions.  I feel really disappointed from my doctor's email and can conclude that most experts think the spike is too late (while it did say a few experts think the day of is still good). 

One piece of advice is super true:  Avoid hot tubs at all costs.  For some reason Dar and I thought we just had to avoid them during ovulation window (we would go like once every 3 weeks) but he has been avoiding them completely, and it has greatly impacted count. 

Just get pregnant already!

Just Pretend I'm Not Here, IUI #5

June 10, 2012

Yesterday I got the true surge so we went in today at 7:15 for IUI #5.

I was a little panicked because I already had the temp rise this morning, but the nurse told me to relax and that the egg lives 12-24 hours after being released.  Darren reminded me we are doing all we can do (ie, scheduling when the doctor says) but I can't help but wonder if an RE would be telling me something different.
Before leaving, I took a quick video clip of Darren telling the camera where we were headed, me saying this could be the day, and then a quick interview of me asking my cat if she is ready to be a big sister (angry meow was the response).  I saw this on Bill and Giallana (them filming before IVF talking to their future child).  It could be cool to have someday.  Then we left for Portland.
First off, we got there early so Darren was happy because he didn't feel rushed. He got an AMAZING sperm analysis!  98 MILLION!!  How we went from 6, 10, and 15? I'm not sure, but it was great.  Thank you Jesus.

The nurse was a true "Portlander" in her converse shoes and natural looking style.  She was a bit more aggressive than the last and really really shoved the spectrum around. She took her time and chatted up a storm.  Just get the things in lady!

Before she went in, she had Darren hold his "98 million" (as she termed it) under his arm to keep them warm.  Once she started I asked Darren if he was still holding my babies. Ha ha ha (crack myself up).

Darren joked that the nurse was "including him in the process" as she went in she said "just pretend I'm not here."

IUI's are not natural and they aren't sweet and it's not the result of lovemaking. I've had to work through some loss of intimacy and bitterness due to this route we have to take.  But today felt more natural with Darren by my side and us trying to pretend she wasn't there.

So that is that.  Now my third or fourth EVER two-week wait begins...

Me after IUI number #5

Here is Dar's AWESOME analysis!!  Wooo hooo!!!

Ay Ay Ay U Ay (Stories of the Artificially Inseminated)

June 8, 2012

So, I got another !$@Q$#$ smile face.  This one almost had a sneer to it though.  It was positive on CD 14, but when I retested in the SAME urine sample, it was negative.  This has happened to me before (I know you are not supposed to read the Clearblue OPK lines but I always do and they always match), this time, on the positive, there was a smear!

This forced me into the battle of "do I?" or "do I not?" in regards to IUI.  I didn't feel like I was ovulating just yet and usually I get 3 smileys in a row if it's "true." After talking with Darren and the doctor, we decided to go for it anyways, since this could be the surge and since I was going to be in Denver on CD 16 and 17. 

So, off to the fertility office we went to "do it" via a catheter.  The whole process is emotionally draining and I had this sick nervousness that we weren't even getting the IUI done at the right time.

The nurse said my cervix was wide open and that she can tell my body "wants" to be pregnant.  Duh!

The good news was Darren's sperm count has more than increased 50%.  He has been religiously avoiding hot tubs. She gave him a "nice job" on the sperm collection and Darren seemed proud.  This was the least painful/quickest one yet and the nurse was freakishly nice.  She reminded me of my grandma.

Of course, I kept ovulation testing in Denver.  My temp never went up so I knew that the potential half of our baby (ie egg) hadn't come down yet and the evil smileface had mislead me once again.

Today, (CD 18) I got a very very strong positive (2 smiles from same sample, and another smile an hour later) so we decided to head back to the doctor tomorrow.  My mind again starts racing because I'm not sure where I'm at on the surge and I don't want to be too late (my temp almost spikes the morning after positive OPK).  But, this is the fastest track to get the sperm to where the egg hangs out.  I'm too afraid that if we try naturally it won't get there in time OR that I'll freak the living daylights out of my sweet hubby that he won't be able to deliver. 

$200 a pop isn't bad compared to IVF, but so hard because it has to be timed just right.  Of course, a $400 bill at the end of the month isn't the most fun thing to pay, but we are READY.

I texted Darren and said, "Woo hoo, tomorrow we are going to get PREGNANT" and he liked my attitude.  I tend to be negative as to not get my hopes up.  Darren is really really positive which I love and thank God for.  Can you imagine if we were both worriers/panickers/the sky is fallingers?

So, the stories of the artificial inseminated continue...  Although this is going to be our 5th IUI (only 1 of the 4 actually timed right), I really think the timing is as close as we can get it....PLEASE LET THIS BE IT GOD!

Here is me, bright and early, after IUI #4 we did pre-Denver trip (too darn early)

Pregnant Lady on Trailmix Aisle

June 4, 2012

Today is CD 13 and no sign of ovulation.  I'm half happy (maybe I won't get the smiley till after Denver) and half nervous (maybe I won't get the smiley.)

I called up dad to see if he could take me to Costco to get some supplies.  Dad LOVES going there with me and almost always buys me a coffee.  It's fun.  We were causually walking around while dad skimmed the aisles for samples and then I saw her.

Megan.  A friend I met many years ago at church but lost contact with.  She is my age.  She went through a rough break up to but ended up getting married a few months after Darren and I.  It was that awkward moment when you don't want to say hi and hope they didn't see you (I was in work out gear).

Then she turned. There is was.  A HUGE belly.  So dang cute.  Probably was at 8 months.  I don't know why it hit me so hard, but my eyes started to water, right there, on the trailmix aisle.

I think its my competitive nature.  I love achieving.  I love feeling ahead.  I also have always struggled with jealousy.  It stung.  My mind did the math before I could control it.  She was "ahead" of me and she had wanted I wanted. 

Luckily I could pull it together.  Luckily I reminded myself to trust His timing for MY life. 

When I lived in Costa Rica with my sister for YWAM the speaker said:

"When we pray for something (ie God take away my jealously issues), God doesn't magically take them away.  No.  He does the opposite.  He gives you several opportunities where you could be [jealous] and allows you to learn/choose how to not do it."

Oh man that's hard!  Jesus, I choose to thank you and praise you that you put this desire in my heart for a reason.  Help Megan to have a smooth and healthy delivery.  Give me peace and grace as I wait for my time.  Please Lord, let it be soon. 

Everything reminds me of missing my future baby.  This is soo my brain. 

Cupcakes with Blue Filling

June 1, 2012

A few weeks ago my mom asked when Darren and I go to Spain (June 25th) because my sister wanted to have a "Baby Gender Revealing Party" before.

Yesterday she went in for a "free" ultrasound at an antiabortion clinic because nurses needed to practice.  She found out the gender right then and there (she didn't plan to).  Which means, the revealing party was last night.

It all happened so fast, I didn't have much time to pull myself together to shift into the "so pumped for them" mode (which I TOTALLY honestly am, I just have to take a moment to accept that I'm not there).  My mom called to ask if I could help her through the party together.  That I couldn't do.

My mom called again, about an hour before, wanting me to guess the gender.  "I don't care mom, I'm happy either way."  Not good enough, I had to answer.  "A boy" (I guessed this based on my sister's description that all 3 nurses said, "We know FORSURE what it is).  Mom wanted to continue to talk. "Isn't it crazy Robby (our brother who went with her) found out before Joel (sister's husband).  My voice cracks, pull it together Holly, "I don't want to talk about this."  We ended the conversation and I sat down to watch the news.

It just so happens the news was talking about hidden videos at Planned Parenthood that basically said that they never ask why the woman wants an abortion.  They went on to say some women get abortions because the baby is not the gender they wanted.  This was my breaking point.

I let out the tears of frustration, anger, and a little bit of jealously.  It only lasted a minute.  But to think there are women that @#$#@#@^% fertile that they "select" (read in sarcastic happy voice) the gender and decide to try again????  Seriously?

Heidi and Joel had ordered cupcakes with either blue or pink filling and at the party, they took the first bite.  BLUE.  A son.  So much love in the room, so much joy, such a sweet little baby bump starting to shine through.

Again, I find myself with that TERRIBLE clash of feelings.  (I talked earlier about the bitter taste of Hope mixed with doubt)  Last night it was heartwarming joy mixed with heartache.  I'm the older sister, so its hard to watch when usually older sisters go first. 

I had another small breaking point.  One of Heidi's friends looked at me with a huge smile and said "You are going to be an AUNT!"  (this is like the 7th person that has said this to me).  "I already am an Aunt," I reply nicely, "My husband's sister had a baby a year and a half ago.  But yes, my first nephew on this side." I swallow hard.  These people are not trying to be rude, but for some reason, the over enthusiastic "You are going to be an Aunts" sting.  It's not "you are going to be a mom" and that's what I want to hear.

The other thing that threw me of was her friend has a baby and was talking about their 6 year plan.  "We will have a second child."  There is nothing wrong with this, but I couldn't help but feel a sense of jealousy that she could say that with such ease and confidence.  I wish I had that.  I begging God for 1.

 I'm so excited to meet my future nephew.  This child will have some of my genetic make up.  It could be the closest thing I ever get to "having my own." I will adore him.  But, as I wait, I will still hope for my own as well.

My cute sister and her hubby last night after the reveal...