Despite the set backs this cycle, it's hard not to go slightly insane each round. Rethinking any possibility, any chance of hope, any sign, any symptom. Here is an honest and at times hard to admit (because it shows the infertile crazy side) peek into my thoughts.
CD-cycle day
CD 1: I prayed, and I actually felt like God told me this is going to be "the one." I don't fully trust it though because my brain/heart want it sooo bad it's hard to not mix the two.
CD 3: Starting Femera 7.5 mg. I doubt this will work. I wonder if I'll be doing IVF this summer.
CD 8: SHOOT! We are at beach and I left my pills at the cabin 9 miles away. I HAVE to take these the exact same time (we turned out). At dinner I joked "watch, this time I will be pregnant all because we turned around."
CD 12: I got the natural fertile sign, EWCM. We did it.
CD 16: I got 2 happy faces!! I feel as a happy as a BFP (for 20 minutes or so). My window has opened. We fail to have successful sex and I'm devastated and angry.
CD 17: Temp rises .07 degrees. I'm pretty sure the "egg is dead" according to some forums. This is the day we "do it" "syringe style"
CD 18: I research and find sperm can live up to five days in fertile mucus! We had sex 4 days before ovulation. A twinge of hope.
CD 19: Random, but we had to order a new fridge for $800 (replacing our current one). I checked with a Best Buy going out of business and a huge, super nice, family fridge that usually goes for $2100 was on sale for same price...could this be God setting us up for a family?
CD 20: I have incredibly sore nipples. Symptom?
CD 21: Mothers day: a family friend (and prayer pastor) comes up to Darren and I at church and says, "Holly, today is your day, I feel it." And prays over us.
CD 22: Darren gets a text from an awesome Christian co-worker who just had a kidney transplant. He tells us in the hospital, he felt strongly God was going to give us a child soon but to be patient with God' timing.
CD 22: Spotting, sooo slightly. This is at least a week before period is due. Implantation bleeding???
CD 23: In my yearly Bible I come across Psalm 113:9 - He settles the barren woman as a happy mother of children.
CD 24: Moment of truth #1 progesterone blood level. It has to be at least a 10 to prove ovulation, in the past, my has been 18.
CD 25: I get the email from the doctor and its at FIFTY!!!!! Though its routine she says "if you didn't conceive this cycle..." me grasping onto the "IF" as if it were my handing on to a dangling man's finger over a cliff.
CD 26 and on: Me reading everything I can find about high progesterone. Hopes, fears, worries, excitement.
I'm a week out from testing. I realize Darren has low sperm count. I realize that the chances of us conceiving this cycle are under 13%. But instead of wasted energy on doubt, I'm hopeful for a miracle. On the other hand I'm mentally prepared to see my period come, the other part is more excited than normal. Sigh. One of my first official TWO WEEK WAITS is on. Either way, my heart will choose to sing, Lord, blessed be your name.
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